JUN
11

11 Reality Shows That Prove The Apocalypse Is Upon Us


Reality shows are difficult to understand. "Reality" refers to how "real" something is, so a television show labeled "reality" would have to be "realistic," right? And yet, you've never found yourself in a tuxedo handing roses to 28 year-old investment bankers with Ph.D's in neuroscience and years of training at a Tibetan Tantric-sex monastery. And you've probably never lived in a Hollywood mansion with the dad from Wonder Years and the fat, untalented Baldwin. With that in mind, check out our list of the reality shows that prove the Apocalypse is upon us.

11.)  MTV’s A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila

Shot At Love With Tila Tequila

What is this crap?
Disappointingly famous for no reason “Tila Tequila” (real name Tila Nguyen) is the star of this mind-bogglingly awful reality show in which contestants compete for her affection.  BUT HERE’S THE KICKER!  She’s bi-sexual**.  The show follows around the sheep-like participants as they vie for the attention of someone not much more famous than they are.
**She isn’t bi-sexual as made evident by the fact that she has a boyfriend.  And come on, tons of girls kiss other girls at parties for attention.

Moment That Proves The Apocalypse Is Upon Us:
After the first season ended, series winner Bobby Banhart didn’t actually get to fall in love with Tila, as is evident by his incoherent Kindergarten-esque writing style on MySpace when he wrote; “well everyone wants to know so here it is she never called me after the last show and no one would give me her number so pretty much I feel like and ass but we are not 2gather u cant have a realationship bye urself ya know so now you all know and sometimes no matter how bad you want things to work out they dont and theres nothing you can do i tryed… thank you all.”  Yes, those are his actual words. 
 

10.)  Fox’s Trading Spouses

Trading Spouses

What is this crap?
The show seems like a great idea for men right off the bat: “Get rid of your wife for two weeks!  But wait: you get another, a crazier one, in her place.  And you thought it was hard not to punch your regular wife!”  Fox decided to see how zany it would be if you switched moms with families completely different than their own.  According to Fox producers, the “putting a conservative mom in a liberal household and visa versa” concept never gets old. 

Moment That Proves The Apocalypse Is Upon Us:
God fearing and bat-shit insane Christian fundamentalists are always good for a laugh, and putting an especially insane (and grotesquely fat) one in a house that practices astrology and other pagan-esque worship techniques means some serious shit is gonna go down.  When the woman named Margaret got home, she proceeded to scream and rant about “the dark side” and proclaimed she was “a God warrior.”  She even went as far as to tear up the check Fox gave her family for their troubles, which is exactly how Jesus Christ used to act in any given situation.

 

9.)  Bravo's Millionaire Matchmaker

Millionaire Matchmaker

What is this crap?
Bruce Wayne was a gazillionaire with all the coolest playthings; the Batcave, Batmobile, Bat utility belt, Robin. He knew how to keep it classy. The dude always had tons of chicks around him, and he was flaunting his money like a millionaire/superhero should. It was partly because he had to keep up a high-profile lifestyle, but also because he loved getting the D-wet, just like anyone. The millionaire's on Bravo's Millionaire Matchmaker are all idiots. They have all the money they could want, and no idea how to pick up chicks. "Hey babe, I have lots of money." Boom. She's in your car, and her boyfriend is left standing on the curb thinking, "When my bumper sticker company gets big, she'll come back."

Moment That Proves The Apocalypse Is Upon Us:
Dumb-ass millionaire Paul from Las Vegas showed us why he's got a pile of money and no women when he took out former Playboy cyber girl of the week Cidney. He used the classic equation for scoring chicks: He told her he's "not a risk taker" and is "afraid of heights." Logically, the first thing you should do is book a helicopter ride over Las Vegas. Another thing you should do to avoid looking like a desperately creepy super nerd stuck in a successful person's body is ask your date's family over the phone if it's ok to marry their daughter. And oh yeah, make sure you've known the girl for less than a day. With that in mind, take her back to your place and propose marriage to her as awkwardly as possible. Surely, she'll find your nervous demeanor and awkwardly sweaty palms endearing as she tearfully calls her friends to say she's bagged a million-dollar fuck up.

 

8.)  VH1's Flavor of Love

Flavor Of Love With Flavor Flav

What is this crap?
Remember that movie Cloverfield? The giant alien monster is walking around New York City ruining everyone's shit, and as if that's not bad enough, a ton of small, equally vicious monsters are falling off of it, killing everyone else? That's Flavor of Love. The Surreal Life is the giant Cloverfield monster that spawned Strange Love featuring Brigitte Nielsen and Flavor Flav, which in turned spawned the demon known as Flavor of Love.

Moment That Proves the Apocalypse is Upon Us:

The world was shocked when, after being eliminated, serious white trash slut "Pumkin" went toe-to-toe with the terrifying "New York." New York hurled insults at Pumkin as Pumkin walked out, which Pumkin responded to with a horrifying loogie.

 

7.)  Bravo's Real Housewives of New York City

Real Housewives of NYC 

What is this crap?
This show follows around annoying and over privileged socialites who live in Manhattan and the Hamptons. They enjoy shopping, talking about shopping, driving to the mall, and discussing how the Calabi-Yau manifold has effected the advancement of pure mathematics. Imagine if you made $9 million more a year. Now, envision the things you would do with your $9,000,500; look at the places you would go, the house you'd buy, women you would bang. Isn't it interesting? That's exactly the opposite of this show. Instead of using their money for anything important, the women gossip and socialize like a bunch of sorority sluts, which they were 20 years ago.

Moment That Proves the Apocalypse is Upon Us:
RHWONYC has made a tremendous philanthropical donation to YOU! That's right, in one episode, the women provide an obnoxiously elitist list of ways to fit-in with Manhattan's high society. Is "be an incredibly stuck up whorebag whenever possible" one of them? Not in that many words, but each rule on the list implies that anyway. Some of our favorite tips include "Make a large philanthropical donation in your name...because we care about people...as long as they aren't poor and don't look at me or touch me or anything," and "Never wear the same outfit twice." One of the wives actually says "You know the only thing that makes me sad? That I can never wear this again." You know what makes a child in Darfur sad? Contemplating whether he should bury his best friend, or eat him.

 

6.)  E!'s Keeping Up with the Kardashians

Keeping Up with the Kardashians 

What is this crap?
This drivel follows the lives of the Kardashian family. Who are they, exactly? Exactly. They're no one. Does the name Robert Kardashian ring a bell? No? How about O.J. Simpson? Kardashian defended OJ in that little trial that OJ was involved in during the mid-90s. His family is still super rich, and deserve a reality show for some reason. Probably the only notable member of the cast is Kim Kardashian, whose sex tape has been masturbated to by many men across the country. The problem with the show? It isn't about anything. None of the people here are actually famous or talented or can give any credible reason why they deserve to continue living.

Moment That Proves the Apocalypse is Upon Us:
Kim purchases a Bentley, which causes friction among her less attractive sisters. The insults fly, and someone calls Kim "Mariah Carey," which would be funny if they were implying that Kim is bat-shit insane, but really it was to imply that she's a diva. Would have been hilarious 12 years ago, but hey, when you're dealing with the brainpower of the Kardashians, that's the best insult you get. The episode culminates in Kim LITERALLY throwing her Blackberry and crying on her bed while her sisters watch with little remorse.  That'll show 'em.  And that is how boring this show is...that is its most crazy moment.

 

5.)  NBC's Celebrity Circus

 Celebrity Circus

What is this crap?
Some celebrities are lifetime celebrities for a reason. Tom Hanks and Meryl Streep win Academy Awards, John Mayer bangs Jessica Simpson, and Wee-Man joins the cast of celebrity reality shows. It's just how you get invited to the big parties. Anonymity is kryptonite to the semi-famous, and they'll do whatever it takes to stay in the limelight. This conversation has definitely taken place:

Christopher Knight: I'll do whatever it takes to be on TV sir, anything....(attempts to fellate producer)
Producer: (Pushes him away) Umm, how about you just live in a house with Da Brat and Verne Troyer, among other worthless former celebs?
Christopher Knight: Oh...well, that's fine too...(continues to attempt fellatio)

Moment That Proves The Apocalypse Is Upon Us:
A very large and muscular man gets into a wheel and spins on it for a really long time. Looks simple enough. That's why Christopher Knight of The Brady Bunch fame decides to get in. Does his spin go well? Thankfully, no. Immediately, Knight falls face first onto the ground, shattering his shoulder.

 

4.)  The Oxygen Network's The Bad Girls Club

Bad Girls Club

What is this crap?
The Bad Girls Club is a popular show on The Oxygen Network, which is a network similar to Lifetime, without all the made-for-TV movies about rape. The reason they made it? Oprah and some of her high-powered buddies wanted a network so that women could watch a channel they could relate to, unlike MTV, VH1, and the History Channel. (Insert image: Four women on a white sofa, wearing turtlenecks, holding glasses of red wine, giggling.) So where did The Bad Girls Club come from? It's basically a show about the slutty girls you knew in college who never woke up one day and said "I pledge to stop blowing guys just because they're on the football team." Oxygen threw them all into a house, gave them some booze, and waited for them to go nuts. After all the fighting and crying, the girls realized it was time to start drinking, and everything started all over again.

Moment That Proves the Apocalypse is Upon Us:
In episode 2 of the first season, self-proclaimed "black out queen" Ripsi, whose stupid name actually falls short of her real-life stupidity, goes on a Cosmopolitan induced rampage after her roommates threw her Ted Kennedy level drunk ass into a pool, which was a smart idea because severe drunkenness and swimming have a very rich and positive history. Unfortunately, some of the girls realized "Hey, what's that thing that happens when you don't breathe for a long time? What? Death? Pull her out, we're not even close to the season finale yet," and she was pulled out. She got up and went crazy, with all the hair pulling and awkwardly un-athletic open handed punches you can handle.

 

3.)  Fox's Moment of Truth

Moment of Truth

What is this crap?
"Hey! Don't you hate your family, want to drown your wife, and fantasize about making love to wildlife? Oh, you'd rather not answer those questions? Well what if I gave you the chance to answer those questions and more on national television?!" That's Fox's Moment of Truth in a nutshell. It showcases America's unwavering dedication to the truth, as long as you're handsomely rewarded and your loved ones have the ability to instantly forget that they heard honest answers to the darkest secrets you hold. The more questions you answer, the more money you win, unless the lie detector finds you're lying, in which case, you go home with nothing but a pair of underpants loaded with the squishy feeling of regret. Want to make every Thanksgiving from now until your murder at the hands of your family impossibly awkward? Then Moment of Truth is for you.

Moment That Proves the Apocalypse is Upon Us:
Our nation's moral watering hole was severely poisoned by--not surprisingly--a New York housewife (no relation to above) named Lauren Cleri. Lauren's incredible honesty was hilariously overshadowed by revelations of her immoral behavior towards her marriage. She managed to answer honestly in front of her husband that she should have married her ex-boyfriend, and that she had cheated on him. But when it came down to the simple question of "Are you a good person?" the lie detector found that her answer of "Yes, I am" was shockingly false.  Who knew?

 

2.)  VH1's I Love Money

I Love Money - VH1

What is this crap?
"That's no moon...that's a space station." Much like the Death Star on Star Wars, this new creation by VH1 seems harmless from far away...but up close, it could easily destroy a planet. This is the show social scientists have been dreading since the dawn of television. It's a nice frothy glass of SARS, Ebola Virus, Bubonic Plague, and high fructose corn syrup mixed together. I Love Money takes the stars of other reality shows, and puts them together as they bathe and save the lives of impoverished children suffering from leprosy, and solve world hunger. Oh wait, it's the opposite of that. The cast of I Love Money is comprised of failures, not even the winners, from past shitty VH1 reality shows as they compete for the chance to win $250,000 by completing challenges like catching a turkey shot from a catapult, and building a tent. Seriously.

Moment That Proves The Apocalypse Is Upon Us:

Contestants compete in a game called "The Spit Olympics." It's pretty self explanatory. The contestants drink a colored beverage and then see how far they can spit it. Something tells us the ladies on the show will either win this competition by a landslide, or make themselves sick by swa...well, you get the idea.

 

1.)  MTV's My Super Sweet 16

My Super Sweet 16 - MTV

What is this crap?
My Super Sweet 16 is a show about all the girls you hated in high school. In the movies, the girls are rich, bitchy, and hot, but My Super Sweet 16 flips that stereotype on its ear, by utilizing girls who are rich, bitchy, and generally unattractive.

Moment That Proves the Apocalypse is Upon Us:

On episode 3 of the first season, a young lady who you'd love to strangle named Ava is gearing up for her sweet 16 party. She is of Iranian descent, so she cleverly themes her party "An Arabian Night!" Wouldn't you love to see her attempt to survive for a night in the Middle East? Her parents are super rich, and prove the theorem that with money comes the inability to raise a child. Ava demands to wear a sexy dress for her party, although her body indicates she enjoys a pretty steady diet of the Bastani-e Za'farani. To find a dress, her parents fly her to fucking Paris, where not surprisingly, she finds nothing she likes. The horror culminates when her bitchy demeanor prompts her father to yell "If you stop whining, I'll get it for you!" about a custom made dress. In the end, he buys her a Range Rover despite declaring he wouldn't, which made her cry at dinner.



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December 13. 2008 11:01

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Del.icio.us op 13 december 2008 | Michel Vuijlsteke's weblog

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May 17. 2009 13:43

Naomi

what's frightening is not that these shows exist, but that people watch them... religiously. o.0

Naomi us