Of course there are more than 15 but we don’t have the bandwidth and we really didn’t have the stomach to get through more than 15. Some are old, some are new, all of them are awful.
15. 8 Days of Christmas by Destiny’s Child (2001)
We respect the effort to create new, hip holiday tunes. But WTF, it doesn’t sound like Christmas and nobody’s boyfriend is going to rub your feet and buy you a beamer. Get real.
14. Christmas Wrapping by The Waitresses (1990)
Some of you dedicated Campus Squeeze readers may be too young to remember this song. Lucky for you they still torture us with it on the radio. Tune in to your local 24 hour Christmas music station, you can’t miss it.
13. Dominick The Donkey (The Italian Christmas Donkey) by Lou Monte (1997)
Aren’t Italians supposed to be super religious and stuff? I can’t imagine this is sanctioned by the church…or Italy for that matter.
12. Baby It’s Cold Outside by Barry Manilow (1990)
This isn’t a horrible song. Really it’s about a guy trying to pull some ass via fake concern and a little booze. But let Barry Manilow get his hands on it and kablow it turns to shit. C’mon who wouldn’t want to stay in and snuggle up with that by the fire, just look at the album cover.
11. Jesus Take the Wheel by Carrie Underwood (2005)
When you think Christmas you think snow, lights, trees, gifts not teenage pregnancy or white trash. Besides leave Jesus out of this, we’re talking about Christmas after all.
10. Please, Daddy (Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas) by John Denver (1975)
Nuff said.
9. Santa Claus Go Straight To The Ghetto by James Brown (1995)
A meaningful story about children named Mary, Johnny and Gary living in the ghetto instead of who you thought lived in the ghetto, little Shaniqua, Taishawn and Ayliah. The intermittent classic James Brown yelp just doesn’t suit this song.
8. The Merry Christmas Polka by Steel City Brass (2005)
It’s been done by many a band and it’s always a good time…at the nursing home.
7. Santa Looked A Lot Like Daddy by Garth Brooks (1992)
Country sucks. And maybe it’s this bias that turns us off from this song. Or the fact that it’s stupid and unoriginal. No, probably just because it’s country.
6. Christmas Conga by Cyndi Lauper (1998)
No we’re didn’t make this up and yes Cyndi Lauper is a real person. And you thought those were just scary campfire tales of the fabled singer.
5. Grown Up Christmas List by Amy Grant (1992)
Alright Captain Sappy, we get it peace on earth, food for the hungry, blah, blah, blah but honestly the world would be a better place if this song was never produced. Thanks for ruining everything Amy Grant. Thanks a lot.
4. Have a Funky Funky Christmas by The New Kids on the Block (1989)
Is this even a song? Is there anything original about it? Did they even have TV back then?
3. Jingle-O the Brownie By Tennessee Ernie Ford (1990)
Tennessee Ernie Ford is renown for his hymnals and religious gospel songs. Then there’s this little gem about a small bouncy elf named Jingle-O the Brownie.
2. Macarena Christmas by Los Del Rio (1996)
As if the original wasn’t bad enough. This holiday remix is simply the Macarena and classic Christmas tunes intertwined. It’s so terrible, we couldn’t even stand to watch the hot, scantily clad (albeit outdated) hot girls in the video.
1. The Christmas Shoes by NewSong (2001)
By far the most unpleasant, ridiculous, non-Christmas song out there. Alright so old ladies cry when they hear the story of a young dying mother but everyone else in America flips the tuner when this comes on. PS- if your Mom is dying, there are more important things to worry about than buying her new shoes. She’d agree…at least that’s what she said last night.