Every year is terrible, unless you’re Matt Damon. That guy ALWAYS makes good movies. But for us normal, talentless, ugly people, 2007 was no departure from the annual tales of banality. Also, 2007 taught us that we’ll all be dead in forty years if we don’t stop our unbridled consumption of natural resources. Did we stop? No. And why should we? We didn’t cause global warming; old people did, when they invented the car in the early 1900’s. And thousands of horses were out of work. Many scraped by, putting harrowing hours in at their local glue factories. Countless accidents caused factory owners to realize that “Hey, horses THEMSELVES make good glue.” And thus, Elmer’s was born. The point is, don’t trust old people. But let’s not get carried away. The topic is 2007, and this is Dan Fisher’s Year-In-Review.
Michael Vick’s dog-fighting scandal: You can’t talk 2007 news stories without mentioning Michael Vick’s dog fighting scandal. When I heard Michael Vick was arrested for it I was outraged. Hadn’t the authorities seen cartoons? Dog fighting is actually pretty cute. Dogs look adorable with their little boxing gloves on! It wasn’t until later and many CBS documentaries did I realize that cartoons had lied. Again. The other bothersome part of the story is the countries unified moral outrage at the situation. Really? You’re surprised that Michael Vick broke the law? Google “Ron Mexico” to find out more.
Don Imus fired from CBS: Be careful about how you call people “ugly.”
Teacher Jailed in Sudan for allowing Muslim class to name teddy bear “Muhammad”: To be fair, she can’t just call it Teddy like everyone else?
Other acceptable bear names: Georgie, Mikey, Claw-y, Apples, Winnie the Pooh, Barry.
Paris Hilton jailed for breaking some law: California has one of the highest rates of prison murder in the country. None of the other inmates had a shank? Get on your game, California prison inmates; you could have been heroes.
Anna Nicole Smith dies:
Dear Jesus,
You killed the wrong dumb, irrelevant, unnecessary, obnoxious blonde. (See above.)
Love,
America
Bird flu pandemic, a definite maybe: Thanks to the bird flu, I’ll never fall asleep on the beach with my mouth open again. (See, SARS)… or shake hands with a farmer. Bastards!
New drug, “Jenkem” hits the streets: If you’re squeamish, keep reading. Jenkem is a drug created by delicately placing raw sewage into a pop bottle. Then you put a balloon over the spout. The methane gas released by the sewage fills the balloon. When it’s good and ready, you huff the gas in the balloon. According to users, the high lasts anywhere between hours and days. Hallucinations include hearing voices and seeing the dead, which is pretty cool. Supposedly, the drug originated in Africa by street kids with no money to afford real, respectable drugs. Forget Darfur, we need to air-drop some regular drugs that don’t involve poo. On a side note, it’s nickname is “Leroy Jenkems”, which is hilarious.
Larry Craig indicted on soliciting sex in men’s bathroom: This story is the most hilarious of the bunch. Senator Craig, (a Republican) was in a men’s bathroom when he reached his foot under the stall belonging to the man next to him, caressed the man’s leg, and made some sort of cat call which meant “I want to have sex with you.” Here’s where Craig runs into problems: the man was an undercover cop. Oopsie!
Now I don’t really align myself with any particular political party, mainly because I hate so many people on both sides of the fence that I can’t really figure it out, but I’m seriously tickled pink whenever a Republican is charged with some sort of sex crime. (Ahem,Mark Foley.) Especially when it’s a gay sex crime. I don’t have a problem with gay people, but I do have a problem with people like Senator Craig who hum and haw over how important morals are, and how gay people destroy those morals, and then go and try to blow another dude in an airport bathroom. But to be fair, who doesn’t solicit sex in a men’s bathroom?
During the Clinton-Lewinksy scandal in 1999, Craig was quoted on Meet-The-Press saying “The American people already know that Bill Clinton is a bad boy, a naughty boy. I’m going to speak out for the citizens of my state and say that Bill Clinton is even a nasty, naughty, boy.” (It’s on YouTube.) He sure is naughty, Larry. Just the way you like it.
FuN fAcTs:
In 2003, Senator Craig voted against same-sex marriage. But what if he fell in love with his friend from the bathroom?
In 1995, Senator Craig was in a barbershop quartet with fellow Republicans Trent Lott, John Ashcroft, and James Jeffords. It all makes sense now.
A lot more crap happened in 2007, but who cares? Have a great 2008 folks.