Your grandparents think they're so full of wisdom, with all their "in my day" and "when I was your age" bullshit. But guess what? They aren't nearly as smart as they think. The following products achieved considerable popularity during the early parts of the 1900s, and even into the middle of the century. So the next time some old dude calls you a "whippersnapper" show them this list, and shut their annoying toothless mouth.
4.) Heroin Cures Everything (Early 1900s)
Somewhere, Kurt Cobain is seeing this and drooling.
What It Was Supposed To Do:
Oh boy, what COULDN'T heroin be used for? Back in the early 1900s, Bayer marketed heroin as a painkiller, cough suppressant, and even baby nap forcer! Oh yes sir, some companies noticed that if you administer a little bit to a restless baby, it would become sleepy. We can only assume they devised this scheme while twisting their old-timey mustaches and polishing their monocles.
Why It Worked:
Heroin is really good at making you feel awesome immediately after you use it. Most heroin users report an intense euphoria immediately upon injecting the drug into their bloodstream. Heroin can also be turned into morphine, a popular and effective painkiller. With that in mind, one could understand how heroin makes sense for medicinal use. Oh wait, still doesn't. Turn of the century doctors quickly became aware of the insane addiction to the drug in their patients. It didn't take long for heroin to become illegal.
Why It's Fucked Up:
It probably has to do with heroin's well known risk of being addictive to a retarded level. Detoxing from heroin is nowhere near as fun as "toxing" from heroin. Especially when the risks associated include diarrhea and priapism. That's right; enjoy liquid magma stool being fired out of you while you attempt to contain a hard-on that won't quit.
3.) Ya Know What Would Go Great With This Liquor? Cocaine! (1860s-Early 1900s)
Motley Crue's favorite things: booze and cocaine. "Talent" is noticeably absent from their favorite things.
What It Was Supposed To Do:
Cocawine was wildly popular with throngs of people during the height of its' production. Everyone loved it. Everyone. And that included Pope Leo XIII. He awarded cocawine's biggest producer, Vin Mariani, a gold medal. Pope Leo's love for cocawine culminated in 1903 when FBI agents burst into his compound, prompting him to yell "Say hello to my little friend, Jesus." He then attempted to shoot at the officers, but he was really just holding a crucifix like a gun and making "bang" sounds with his mouth. The wine was so effective because when cocaine combines with alcohol it becomes the powerful psychoactive drug cocaethylene, allowing the user to feel happy and awake. John Pemberton, who formulated his own cocawine in the US popularly known as Coca-Cola, said that the wine "invigorates the sexual organs" which is just a fancy way of saying it made him totally horny. So yes, the Coca-Cola rumors you've heard are true: Coca-Cola undoubtedly contained quite a bit of cocaine when it was first produced. If cocawine was around today, Whitney Houston would be their spokesperson, a job she would never quit, as long as they paid her in cocawine by the barrel-full.
Why It Worked:
Cocaethylene is very potent. The chemical makes the user feel a heightened sense of awareness, excitement, and euphoria. So when the advertisements read "Rejuvenates the mind!" they weren't kidding. The effects of cocaethylene can be felt almost immediately upon hitting the bloodstream, and can last for quite a while, depending on the amount ingested.
Why It's Fucked Up:
Cocawine undoubtedly forms a habit. Withdrawal symptoms include nausea, depression, lethargy, despondency, hallucinations, paranoia, and more! Note that the withdrawal symptoms are the exact opposite of what cocawine is intended to cure. So that means DRINK MORE! Uh oh, the bane of all college kids, tolerance, soon rears its ugly head, and ruins everything. The more of the drug a person ingests, the more of the drug they need to feel its' effects. This would be why cocaine became illegal in the United States and many other parts of the world. Too much cocaine can lead to serious cardiological and respiratory problems. It is the first and last time the Catholic Church has misled people.
2.) Tapeworm Pills (1900s-Still Available Today, Maybe)
The red box in the upper right corner says "No Danger!" Their need to express just how safe their product is should make you uncomfortable.
What It Was Supposed To Do:
Help people lose weight...because tapeworms are fucking parasites. They burrow their heads into your intestines and mooch off your nutrients
Why They Thought It Would Work:
Since the parasite burrows into your fucking body without regard for your safety, it actually does drain you of nutrients, causing you to lose considerable amounts of weight, especially when you recklessly put one inside you and leaving it there until you reach your weight loss goals. It makes cosmetic surgery look tame. Lucky for us, it's still available today! although it's clearly not that popular, and maybe even not real.
Why It's Fucked Up:
Having a tapeworm is a generally uncomfortable situation for the host...namely, discomfort occurs when the parasite jams its' head into your small intestine. Don't worry, they're not that big. And by "don't worry," we actually mean "run for your life," and by "they're not that big," we mean "they can be as long as 40 feet." Here's where things get really fucked up: At some point, you will lose a good deal of weight. When that happens, it's time for the tapeworm to come out. Unfortunately, parasites love living in your ass, and even the most polite request to leave is met with a resounding "Fuck off" from the tapeworm. Legend has it, the best way to get rid of the tapeworm is to starve it for a few days, then put a bowl of food near your anus. The parasite will get a whiff of the food and travel down your intestine like a weather ravaged desert traveler. When it comes out of your anus, a very close friend of yours will proceed to pound it with a hammer. Shortly after, they will renounce their association with you.
1.) Grooming With Radon (1940s)
Beautiful advertisement, with the model's face rising out of the jar of creme like a mushroom cloud.
What It's Supposed To Do:
The world changed in the 1940s thanks to the devotion to researching "nuclear stuff." This culminated with the dropping of the atom bombs on Japan. Both bombs seriously fucked some shit up. But scientists, generally known for their intelligence, not getting laidedness, and sometimes turning "mad" in order to gain revenge on high school bullies who shoved their heads into toilets, etc, saw all the death and destruction in Hiroshima and Nagasaki and somehow saw potential. Soon, radon and thorium were put into products like toothpaste and skin cream. Why wouldn't you want radiation inside your body?
"Radioaktive" is German for "radioactive."
Why They Thought It Would Work:
Most of the radioactive products were advertised as having "rejuvenating" effects. Users reported a nice tingling sensation when using one of the products. When using toothpaste, most users felt their gums and lips tingle, suggesting that the radon was "doing its job" and "not murdering you." Advertisements promoted such benefits as prevention of bacterial growth for stronger teeth. The cosmetics side of radon use was promoted as giving skin a "healthy glow" and "freeing your face from blemishes."
Why It's Fucked Up:
Hmmm....oh right, radon is radioactive. Over-exposure to radioactivity has been known to kill people, which these products did, constantly. Most users found themselves with mouth, throat cancer, and skin cancers of all kinds.