I’m sure this has happened to you: You’re watching the news or listening to the radio, and the news reports a celebrity death with the anchor somehow feigning regret. Your first thought is not a prayer for the family of said deceased celebrity, or a tiny mental tribute to her or his legacy. Your first thought is, “Jesus, I thought that guy died like ten years ago!” What unnecessary anger and befuddlement!  Here is a short list of celebrities that you may not have known still walk this earth, for various reasons.  They may be ridiculously old, they may have been on the track to overdose-in-an-L.A.-hotel-room-type demise, or you just forgot they existed in the first place - which may be the Hollywood definition of being legally dead anyway.

 

5.)  Judge Joseph Wapner

From 1981 to 1993, Judge Joe Wapner wielded a gavel on The People’s Court; the first televised small claims court show to hit the airwaves. Everyone was a fan of this guy (especially the autistic Raymond in Rain Man).  Why? Because at the time, he was the only frigging one. Yes, this man paved the way for judges like Joe Brown, Greg Mathis, Judy Scheindlin, and whoever just popped up in the thirty seconds you have been reading this article.  The guy was a WWII vet, served two years in the Los Angeles County Supreme Court, and dated Lana Turner in high school, for God’s sake. Lana friggin’ Turner! And he didn’t slow down in his old age, either. As recently as 1998-2000 he hosted Judge Wapner’s Animal Court on Animal Planet. Right now, he’s probably on a beach somewhere surrounded by countless children sprouted forth from his 89-year-old loins. But one thing’s for sure, this TV judge still lives and breathes. But don’t take him out of your death pool yet; he’s pretty damn old.

 

4.)  Sinbad

I know, I know, this washed-up 80’s comic is only in his fifties. So why do we think that you thought he was dead? Because Wikipedia told you so! In March of 2007, the DIY info-space Wikipedia reported in its “Sinbad” article that the 51-year-old actor/comedian had met his demise. The real-life Sinbad then got calls and emails from loved ones wondering why he was dead. Sinbad then gave Wikipedia the shaky-fist and now all you get when you look up Sinbad is stuff about the Arab pirate-guy with the big sword.  After the ordeal, Sinbad said "Maybe this is what starts my comeback!"  Fortunately for us, it didn't.  Now why would some Wiki-user want to kill off one of our most beloved red-headed Black comedians? Maybe because that person wanted to remember Sinbad as he was: the running-suit wearing guy from A Different World, and not as he is; star-in-crappy-movies guy from the Stomp the Yard rip-off Stompin’. Or, maybe the Wiki guy thought that declaring a live person dead would make that person a legal zombie. We are hoping both are true. Listen for Zombie-bad in the animated series Slacker Cats.

 

3.)  Sasha Mitchell

“Step by step, day by day!” Remember that theme song? Yeah! Brings back TGIF memories. Especially memories of the dreamy yet slightly mentally disabled teenager (the guy on the far right) Cody Lambert from ABC’s Step by Step. Actor Sasha Mitchell didn’t just play the ditzy Cody from 1991-1998, but also took over for Jean Claude Van Damme in the Kickboxer series. Impressive, right? Then where the hell did he go? After he was accused of domestic abuse against his drug-addict wife in the nineties, he kind of just fizzled away. We had assumed that that spiral ended in a pile of his own vomit, dead in a seedy motel room somewhere in Beverley Hills. But NO folks! This nobody popped out a few kids, divorced his junkie wife, and played a bartender on a few episodes of ER from 2004 to 2005!  Who would have thought a dude with a girl's name would live so long?

 

2.)  Richard Moll

You:  "Whoa, it's the bald guy from Night Court!"  Good job.  After his tenure as Bull from Night Court ended, Bull was "just hanging out" because he "didn't have a job" and it was "hard to find work."  Are those direct quotes?  No, but they aren't difficult to believe.  Then, in 1999, Moll struck it big with a roll in the film But I'm A Cheerleader!  This film IS as hilarious as it sounds.  It's a film about a camp for gay kids whose parents don't want them to be gay, and Moll plays a gay man who takes the gay kids from the gay camp so they can embrace their gayness.  Seriously.  Apparently it wasn't that bad.  Look for him in November 2008, the Lifetime Channel is making a semi-biographical movie about his life for some reason!

 

1.)  The Golden Girls (All of them)

This one surprised us the most. You’re probably guessing that at least one of these already-old-twenty-years-ago ladies had kicked the bucket. Well guess what? EVERY SINGLE ONE of the actresses from The Golden Girls is still alive and, with the exception of one, doing pretty well. Betty White, 86, is still acting (you go, Rose!), and is also an avid activist. Bea “Maude” Arthur, also 86, did a one-woman show on Broadway in 2002, and her latest role was as Larry David’s mom in Curb Your Enthusiasm. And she’s still as sexy as ever, fellas. Rue McClanahan, the one with the ridiculous Southern accent, is still acting as well, and is constantly being sued by her psycho ex-lover, Dick Summers. And last but not least, the mom, 85-year-old Estelle Getty, acted until 2000, when she was diagnosed with dementia. You can debate whether or not a brain-dead person is actually a person if you want (Terry Schaivo), but since Estelle's not six-feet-under as of today, we're puttin' her in the column labeled "Alive", bitch!  We’re four for four on the Golden Girls! Still thanking us for being a friend after all these years.