What is luck? Is it scoring with the prom queen? Is it finding a $20 in your winter coat? Yeah, that's luck. But what is the word people give to these ridiculous medical stories? I would probably go with divine intervention.
Dude falls from 47 stories and lives to tell about it: Decides it was negative experience.
The Story:
Remember the time you fell out off the monkey bars and hit the ground, and you started whining and crying, and it developed a life long fear of heights, causing you misery and hundreds of dollars in psychiatric bills? Take that, and multiply it by 47 stories. Because that’s what happened to Alcides Moreno, a window washer from New York City. The platform he was standing on fell when cables gave out on December 7th, 2007. He and his brother (who died like a normal person) quickly fell over 500 feet to the waiting ground below.
Why isn't this dude dead?!
It is believed that since Moreno managed to stay atop the window-washing platform, cross-winds managed to prevent him from reaching terminal velocity. Upon impact, Moreno landed on the platform, which was a mix of metal and cables, providing a better landing surface. Only when you fall from 500 feet is a tangled mass of metal and cables a better place to land than concrete. Based on his injuries of broken arms and legs, it is further believed that he survived because his head and pelvis were not severely injured. To make it even more weird, Moreno woke up on Christmas day. His relatives were glad he survived, but slightly angry that he had not purchased their gifts yet.
What doctors did:
In order to keep Moreno alive, Doctors had to keep his body full of blood, which he was losing at an insane rate, which can most likely be attributed to his fall from 47 stories. All in all, it required a catheter inserted into his brain, 24 pints of blood, 19 pints of plasma, and 14 operations to keep him alive. The most startling thing? He'll probably walk again.
FuN fAcTs!!!!!!!!111!!1!!11!!!!!!!!:
Chance of death reaches 50% at 3 or more stories.
Chance of death at 47 stories is well over 100%.
The Man Who Got Stabbed in The Brain
The Story:
One night, Michael Hill was visiting a friend at his friend’s home in Jacksonville, Florida. There was a knock at the door, and Hill answered it. Hindsight being 20-20, it was a bad decision. When he opened the door, an unknown assailant plunged a survival knife into the top of his head. Hill then walked down the street to another friends house—because after you get stabbed in the brain, you make sure to walk around. Four hours later, the knife was removed.
Why isn't this dude dead?
Hill survived because the knife failed to strike major blood supply arteries to his brain. Although he survived, Hill’s memory is not the same, and he must take seizure medication.
FuN fAcTs!!!!!11111!!!!!!!!!11111111!:
Michael Hill holds the distinction for having the largest object ever removed from the human brain!!! (20 cm.)
His assailant holds the record for being the most ineffective murderer ever.
Man Gets Nail in Face, Does Nothing About it
The Story:
Remember how your dad always used to joke around and say that he was going to hammer a nail into your face? Just me? Ok. Well Patrick Lawler got to enjoy a nice nail in the face one day in January 2005. He was using a nail gun to bind two or more pieces of wood together—the way a nail gun should be used—when it accidentally backfired a nail into the roof of his mouth. The kicker? He sort of barely noticed. Lawler claimed that he felt like he had been 'hit in the head with a bat" when the nail entered his face. But he never thought that it was a nail that caused the pain. After six days of a painful toothache and blurred vision in his right eye, Lawler headed to the dentist. An X-ray revealed that there was, in fact, a fucking nail in his head. I can imagine the conversation:
Dentist: Ok Pat, I think we’ve found the problem.
Lawler: Let me guess; I don't brush or floss enough?!
Dentist: Well, yes. But for real, you have a fucking nail embedded in your head.
Lawler: What?!
Dentist: But it couldn't hurt to cut back on the taffy.
What doctors did:
They removed the nail in a four-hour procedure. It was 1 1/2 inches into his brain.
FuN fAcTs!!!!!11111111111111:
Any variation in direction, and he could have severed his optic nerve, permanently blinding him in his right eye.
“One Nail To The Face? Pussy.”
-Next Guy in the article
The Story:
Isidro Mejia was just working at a Las Angeles construction site (legally?) when six nails were driven into his skull by a nail gun. No, this wasn’t some sort of bizarre fraternity hazing; it was pure coincidence. Mejia was working on the roof when he fell onto a coworker who was working on the floor below. That coworker was using the sniper rifle-esque nail gun that fucked up Mejia’s day. Six nails made their home in his face, brain, and neck, and they were removed soon after.
Why isn’t this dude dead?
For whatever reason, the nails didn’t do any major damage. They lodged in his spine but did not damage the spinal cord or brain stem, which is a major reason for his survival.
What doctors did:
Removed that shit in two different operations.
FuN fAcTs!!!!!!!!!!1111111!!!:
Mejia now travels the country shooting himself in the brain with nails, and then removing the nails, for charity.
Man Loses Head Over Car Accident—Also, almost decapitated
The Story:
In the ultimate display of anti-drunk driving stories, Marcos Parra was walking across the street when he was struck by a drunk driver. Instead of just flipping into the air and landing on the concrete, Parra’s head was almost completely severed. The only thing that held it on was the spinal cord, which is a key device for human function.
Why isn’t this dude dead?!:
The spinal cord is really the most important part of his survival. The stuff around it is simply blood supply, which is important, but can be repaired.
What doctors did:
The craziest thing about this story is the doctor involved in saving Parra’s life. Dr. Curtis Dickman (awesome name) had been testing a procedure on human cadavers that was exactly like what Parra needed to live. That’s right, Dick-man had been practicing reattaching human heads. What a weird thing to practice. Does this happen often enough to warrant funding for this? I hope that he was just doing some grave digging, but since he saved a life, he gets to be a hero. See? Medical vigilantism is probably a good thing.
FuN fAcTs!!!111111111111111:
It is estimated that during Robespierre’s “Reign of Terror” in France, between 15,000 and 40,000 people were executed via the guillotine!
My Stomach Hurts—Oh, it’s just these 17 cm Surgical Scissors
The Story:
69-year-old Pat Skinner was just going in for a nice, routine colon surgery. The next 18 months were rough for ol’ P-Skin. She started complaining of severe abdominal pain after the surgery, and was told that it was simply pain from recovery. But luckily for us, it wasn’t! It was a pair of enormous surgical scissors that some doctor left inside of her. And of course, Skinner was pissed. She started suing left and right. Unfortunately for her, the hospital that treated her offered no apology.
Pat Skinner: I hold you responsible for leaving surgical scissors inside of me.
Hospital: How do we know YOU didn’t leave them there?
Pat Skinner: Touché.
Is that how the conversation went? Probably.
Why isn’t this bitch dead?
The scissors just sat there inside of her, just chillin’, until she had an x-ray. Luckily, they didn’t move around too much, otherwise they could have caused serious damage.
What doctors did:
Aside from retardedly leaving gigantic scissors inside of a human being, they had to remove more of P-Skin’s bowels because they had actually grown over the scissors. Why was she complaining? It sounds to me like her body was starting to fall in love with the scissors. Don’t blame the hospital for trying to turn you into a modern day Inspector Gagdet.
FuN fAcTs!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111111111111111111111111!:
Scissors are used by people to cut things!
