69 Ways To Know You're A Douchebag


The worst thing about douchebags is that they seem to be spreading.  As being stupid and listening to shitty music become more popular, more guys have been going to "salons" for manicures, spray-on tans, or both.  Don't allow yourself to become a douchebag!  Read our list of possible douchebag symptoms, if you find yourself guilty of anything here, you have a few options: 1.) Stop performing that action!  It will move you in the right direction to becoming a functioning member of society.  Or 2.)  End your own life.  For the good of society, please prevent this from becoming an unstoppable epidemic.


You are probably a douchebag if....

Sunglasses At Night

1.)  You Wear Sunglasses At Night

2.)  You Refuse To Wear T-Shirts Since They Are "Un-Collar-Poppable"

3.)  You Get Offended By "My New Haircut"

4.)  You Wear A Shirt Infrequently

5.)  You Refer To Girls As "Bitties"

6.)  You Own A Comb

Tan Douchebag

7.)  You Go Tanning

8.)  You Own More Than 10 Pairs Of Flip Flops

9.)  You Think Dane Cook Is God

10.)  You Work At Abercrombie And Fitch And Are Older Than 19

11.)  You Own An Abercrombie And Fitch Credit Card

12.)  You Order Salad As An Entree

Douchebag Cross Necklace

13.)  You Own Neckwear And It's A Crucifix But You Haven't Been To Church Since Christmas And You Love Drinking And Pre-Marital Sex

14.)  You Start Fights Over The Best Brand Of Whey Protein

15.)  You Start Fights In General

16.)  You Only Drink Coors Light

17.)  You Refer To Things You Don't Like As "Gay"

Basketball Jersey

18.)  You've Worn A Basketball Jersey To School

19.)  You Mooch Off Your Parents And Still Treat Them Like Crap

20.)  You Own A Scarface Poster

21.)  Your Computer's Wallpaper Is A Naked Girl

22.)  You Prominently Display Condoms In Your Room

23.)  The Amount Of Books You've Read Is Less Than The Amount Of Cell Phones You've Owned

24.)  You Refer To Your Male Friends As Your "Boys"

PimpedOut MySpace

25.)  You've Spent More Than 5 Minutes "Pimping Out" Your Myspace Page

26.)  You Refer To Your Myspace Page As "Pimped Out"

27.)  You Put  Rims On The Camry Your Dad Bought You

28.)  You Still Quote Anchorman, Old School, and Napoleon Dynamite

29.)  You "Love The Yankees" But Can Only Name A-Rod And Derek Jeter As Currently Playing For Them

30.)  You've Said Your Frat Is "Just Like The One In Animal House, Bro"

Just A Wifebeater

31.)  You've Ever Worn Just A Wife Beater Anywhere

32.)  You Claim To Be Italian Although You've Never Been To Italy And Your Last Native Italian Relative Came To America In 1900

33.)  The Amount Of Hair Gel On Your Head Could Properly Lubricate An M-1 Abrams Tank

34.)  You've Ever Complimented Another Guy On How Ripped His "Pecs Look"

35.)  You Own "Growing Up Gotti" On DVD

36.)  You've Ever Purchased Pre-Ripped Jeans Solely Because You Love The Pre-Ripped Look

37.)  You Sport This Haircut:

38.)  You're In This Picture:

39.)  You Think Your Life Is Remarkably Similar To "Entourage" and have ever said "You KNOW that'll be us someday, bro."

40.)  You've Ever Taken A Picture Of Yourself Shirtless For The Purpose Of Distributing It On The Internet

41.)  You've Ever Said "I Liked That Band BEFORE They Were Famous"

42.)  You Started Taking Guitar Lessons Simply So You Could Play Dave Matthews Band's "Crash" At Parties

43.)  You Yell "Freebird!" At Every Concert You Attend

44.)  Your Wallet Is Attached To Your Pants Via Wallet Chain You Bought At Hot Topic

Backwards Peace Sign

45.)  In Every Picture Of You, You Flash The Backwards "Peace Sign"

46.)  You Work At Hot Topic And Are Older Than 19

47.)  You Shop At Hot Topic

48.)  You've Ever Blamed Climate Change On "Those Republican Assholes" But Haven't Changed Your Lifestyle In Any Way To Combat The Effects Of Global Warming

49.)  You Wear The Shirt Of The Band You're Going To See

50.)  You Check Out Your "Guns" In The Reflection Of Parked Car Windows

51.)  The Name Of Your Car Is Pasted Across The Windshield

Douchebag With Crocs

52.)  You Own More Than Zero Pairs Of "Crocs"

53.)  You Spend More Time At The Gym Than You Do Working At A Job

54.)  The Majority Of Your Sentences Begin And End With The Words "Dude" "Bro" And/Or "Yo."

55.)  You Become Absurdly Angry When A Teammate On Your Recreational Softball/Rollerhockey/Flag Football Team Makes An imperfect Play


56.)  Your Hollister Co. Shirt Would Be Snug On A Kindergartner

57.)  You Reminisce About How Awesome Your High School Gym Class Touch Football Team Was

58.)  You Have A Bumper Sticker That Says "Tell your girlfriend I said thanks." 

59.)  You Have Pictures Of Muscular Guys In Your Room And Justify It By Saying, "Yo dude, it's just for motivation, bro," And No One Questions You Because You're Being Completely Honest

60.)  You're Violently Protective Of Your Community College

Chugging Beer In Facebook Picture

61.)  You're Chugging A Beer In Your Facebook Picture

62.)  You're Not Wearing A Shirt In Your Facebook Picture

63.) You're Chugging A Beer Whilst Shirtless In Your Facebook Picture

64.)  The Amount Of Jewelry You Own Would Make Xerxes Jealous

Flat Brimmed Baseball Hat

65.)  You Own More Than Zero Flat Brimmed Baseball Caps

66.)  Your Chest Is Bigger Than Your Girlfriends

67.)  You Cock Your Head In Every Picture Taken Of You

68.)  You Always Do The Hand-Shake-Hug Even With People Who You Probably Shouldn't

69.)  You've Been Able To Emphatically Answer Yes To Anything On This List

Currently rated 3.7 by 283 people

  • Currently 3.696112/5 Stars.
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
You must be logged in to comment. If you need an account, you can create a free one here.