This is a must have guide to annoying celebrities, and how to defeat them if you ever encounter one out in the wild. Pay attention and study up, as these are the true demonspawn of humanity, and this guide may just save your life.
Lindsay Lohan:
Strengths: Able to fluctuate weight constantly, meaning you’re either dealing with the skinny and fast version, or the hefty and strong version.
Weaknesses: Ridiculously slutty, infrequently conscious.
Tips: Perhaps try luring her to a destination of your choosing using various award show statues she will never win.
How to beat her: Pull her from the car and revive her from her most recent DWI related accident. When she’s awake, tell her you have an “amazing” script for a new movie where she gets to play a young woman living in New York City, finding her way in the world when she encounters some sort of zany problem and has to overcome adversity, ultimately learning something about herself she didn’t know before…you know, something new and different. When she accepts the script, tell her you want to celebrate by taking her to a hot new club called “The Shack.” Make it more enticing by preparing a long line of coke leading to the door of an actual shack. When she snorts her way in, run away and detonate the many pounds of C4 plastic explosive you’ve rigged up. Next, feel the loving embrace from America as they congratulate you on how you eradicated an annoying form of cancer.
Dane Cook:
Strengths: Young, good physical condition.
Weaknesses: Loves self, very few friends to provide “back” during a fight.
Tips: Watch out for college aged “bro’s.” These are classic Cook disciples who will run to his aid. They can be spotted wearing backwards hats and puka shell necklaces. Also, you should hope that his fighting performance is as bad as his acting performance in Mr. Brooks.
How to fight him: When the fight begins, appeal to Cook’s huge ego by telling him he “revolutionized comedy” and “is a god.” When he is blinded by a false sense of talent and self-worth, get a few good shots in. To finish him off, dangle a blank CD titled “Louis C.K. Unreleased Material” in his face. He’ll start to drool at the opportunity to steal some new jokes, so knock him out and tie him up. Do your part for humanity by putting him in a garbage truck labeled “The Sun.” That’s right; someone needs to drive Dane Cook to the sun in a garbage truck.
Madonna:
Strengths: Manly musculature, distracting gap in teeth.
Weaknesses: Poor acting skills make all humanitarian work questionable.
Tips: Don’t be distracted by fake British accent or incredibly condescending “I talk with my eyes closed and use phrases like ‘if everyone does their part we can…’ and ‘together we can make the world right’” style of speech.
How to fight her: E-mail Madonna pretending to be the parent of an impoverished family in Sudan, and you need her to adopt a few of your children. When the thought of being able to commit obvious self-promotion under the guise of kindness and caring hits her, she’ll be yours for the taking. Arrange a meeting place anywhere in the world; it’s not important where it is, Madonna will be happy to go wherever it takes in order to appear noble. Create a dummy out of swords and fire, and put a sign reading “Needy Kid” on it. She’ll embrace it for a photo op, and immediately be stabbed and on fire at the same time.
Ben Affleck:
Strengths: Starred in action movies, meaning he has some physical training. Loved by women despite obvious lack of talent.
Weaknesses: Has not starred in a good movie since Good Will Hunting, so you know he has serious self-esteem issues.
Tips: Go for the hair and face, for Ben Affleck is notoriously metro.
How to beat him: Square off in normal fighting stance. Then say, “Check out this move, I got it from THE BOURNE TRILOGY.” At this point, Affleck will realize how his career is constant failure, while his friend Matt Damon continues to grow in celebrity and talent. Other soul-destroying tactics include mentioning how talented his younger brother Casey is, and constantly asking, “How come YOU weren’t in any of the Ocean’s movies, Ben?” When he is overcome by the gravity of his nothingness, dump him in the sewer. He’ll feel at home because the sewer company uses Gigli DVD’s as cheap wallpaper.
Rosie O’Donnell:
Strengths: Size. Size. Size. Also, she’s a pretty strong dude.
Weaknesses: A genuinely stupid person.
Tips: Be careful because she’s usually full of “empowerment,” and various cheeses.
How to fight her: This fight will be difficult. Think the end of Ghostbusters. Because that’s what it’s gonna be like. Just a big angry marshmallow filled person against you. My best advice is to try and tip her over. Once that’s done, roll her down some sort of embankment and tie her down. Do your part for the community and charge local children to jump on her like a trampoline. Donate the money to every American that’s ever had to look at a picture of her.