Most people know that proper diet and exercise are keys to staying in shape, but recently, people have been backing the significance of a clean colon as a successful method for weight loss. According to these practitioners, a clean colon will aid digestion, help a person sleep better, and even eliminate back pain. Doctors argue that the colon does not need to be cleansed, that it does its' "job" perfectly well. We're staying neutral on this one; we're saying if you want to shit your brains out, go ahead, we'll help. Here's the best colon cleansing treatments guaranteed to keep you from doing anything productive seeing that you'll be on the toilet 8 hours a day. Keep in mind that we've never tried any of these treatments, but we're estimating how good they are based on cost and how complicated is the procedure. If you pick one of these, Godspeed!
Colonix
Cost:
$88 for one set
Procedure:
Super complicated. The package comes with a schedule that lays out what you're supposed to do according to how far along you are in the program. There's pills and powders that you must take at times specific to your meal time. It gets pretty complicated.
Overall:
It's pretty costly too complicated.
Hilarity Of Bowel Movements:
We estimate that your bowel movements will be enormous and hilarious. With all the rules you have to follow, they better be, right?
Oxy-Powder
Cost:
$42.95 per bottle
Procedure:
Take two pills at night before you go to bed, which makes us wonder; how often do you wake up during the night to pinch a loaf? A bottle lasts a month, and you can do the treatment for as long as you want. We figure if you're going to be near a toilet a lot it's ok to continue this for a while, but if your social agenda limits your bathroom usage, then watch out. Also, if you feel uncomfortable pooping at a girl's house, then you might want to re-think this one.
Overall:
With the relatively low price and easy prescribed use, we think this might be a good treatment. Also, why is it called Oxy-Powder if it's in pill form? Wouldn't you assume it would, let's see here...in powder form?
Hilarity Of Bowel Movements:
If two pills will make you poop a lot, then why not take six? That can only expand the hilariousness of your bowel movements in terms of size and frequency.
EverCleanse
Cost:
$100 per treatment kit which lasts a month
Procedure:
EverCleanse is used in a 3-step program. The first step is all about getting all the crap they claim is impacted in your colon out of your colon. You take some water soluble fiber every day for 10 days. It's called "The Clean Sweep" and during this phase, you will poop a lot. The second phase is all about replenishing your bowels with healthy bacteria. During this phase, you'll poop a respectable amount. The last phase is all about proper bowel maintenance. During this phase, you will poop a regular amount.
Overall:
EverCleanse is currently the most advertised bowel cleanse treatment on the market. It's also pretty popular, receiving high marks from many bowel cleanse forums (and yes, there are a lot of them). However, it's pretty expensive, and sort of, but not ridiculously complicated.
Hilarity Of Bowel Movements:
All we know is, if you're going to advertise your product as heavily as this company does, then the results must be incredible. We believe that if the treatment is this expensive, then it should look like you're pooping out arm-sized alien fetuses.
Bowtrol
Cost:
$40 for a bottle that lasts for a month. But don't worry! If you buy a 4-month supply, you get two free bottles!
Procedure:
Take 3-5 capsules a day.
Overall:
Unfortunately, the Bowtrol website isn't very helpful. They don't really explain the procedure or how long you should take the pills for, although we assume that since the encourage you to buy limitless supplies of their product, then you can just take it forever. Also, they make sure to mention that this product is "herbal" about a thousand times on the front page, so that could be good...or something. Another interesting fact on their site is they claim to be anti-parasitic. So if you have any worms in your colon, they're gone.
Hilarity Of Bowel Movements:
We've always been firm believers in the "lots of poop + parasite corpses = boundless hilariousness" formula, so we think this product could be fairly awesome, despite their terrifyingly uninformative website.
Enuvia
Cost:
$50 for a 90 day "system"
Procedure:
Enuvia is totally fancy pants. The first 30 days are devoted to cleaning the colon. Days 31-60 are all about detoxifying the liver, which if you're a college kid, could take years. Days 61-90 involve cleansing the kidneys. Not too complicated.
Overall:
What's the deal with all this liver and kidney cleansing? We still included Enuvia because it detoxifies the colon pretty effectively.
Hilarity Of Bowel Movements:
We're worried about the last two stages. The first stage probably involves some hilarious pooping, but the last two stages probably aren't that hilarious because they don't involve the colon. So we're gonna go ahead and say that the bowel movements will be relatively hilarious for the first 30 days.
Dual Action Cleanse
Cost:
The website ranges from $60 to $130, depending on the amount you buy.
Procedure:
They offer all sorts of different body treatments, but we'll focus on the bowel one. It's simply a fiber treatment. No fancy ingredients or crap like that.
Overall:
It's pretty expensive for such a simple product. But here's the best part: we found out that the bottle doesn't contain a label regarding its aherence to FDA rules and regulations! That means it's totally black market, and probably includes some insanely illegal bowel cleanse ingredients. Who knows, this product could contain the same ingredients used by terrorist torture cells when they attempt to get information out of hostages.
Hilarity Of Bowel Movements:
Since its black market, your bowel movements will be so hilarious, that they'll stop being hilarious, and turn dangerous, which will then turn them back into being hilarious.