We at Campus Squeeze decided something: we hate douchebags. Since there are quite a bit of them running around, we decided that there must be levels of douchebaggery. Some are worse than others, but all are awful. Our "Douchebag Report Card" is meant to grade the douchiest people of our society, so we know just how douchy these douchebags really are.
This Week: The Auburn Athletic Department
What the hell are these people thinking? Everyone is aware that the state of Alabama is relatively racist (more than relatively). So when they were in search of a new coach for their football program, did they take the best candidate, or the whitest candidate? Oops! To them, "best" and "whitest" are the same thing. Fine, let's say that their coaching selection isn't based on race. Let's look at each coach's resume side by side and systematically decide who the better choice would be.
From this point on, we thought we'd do the Douchebag Report Card a little differently. Instead of grading the Auburn Athletics Department, we thought we would grade Turner Gill's coaching abilities compared to Auburn's pick, Gene Chizik, and then grade Auburn based on the coaches grades. Got it?
Gene Chizik
Early Career (1988-2006):
Chizik began his career at Clemson working with outside linebackers. He soon became the linebackers coach at Middle Tennessee State University, a team that won the Ohio Valley Conference championship. Next, he coached at Central Florida and spent time studying Tampa Bay Buccaneers coach Tony Dungy's defensive schemes.
Then he got hired at Auburn as their defensive coordinator and received the 2004 Broyles award for the most outstanding assistant coach in the nation and one of his players received the Jim Thorpe award for outstanding defensive back.
At the University of Texas, Chizik was named co-defensive coordinator on the national championship team. He coached two Jim Thorpe award winning defensive backs.
2007:
-Season 3-9 record and 2-6 in their conference.
2008:
-Season of 2-10 and 0-8 in their conference. 115th ranked pass defense and 95th ranked run defense, 111th defense overall.
Head coaching record:
5-19
Turner Gill
Early Career (1989-2005):
Coached at Nebraska as a graduate assistant as Quarterbacks coach. He coached two all-Americans, Tommie Frazier and Eric Crouch, and Crouch won the Heisman under him. After winning three national championships in Nebraska, Gill was hired by the Green Bay Packers.
2006:
-Hired by the then worst division 1-A college football program, the UB Bulls.
-Coached the Bulls to a 2-10 record, but scored a team record 220 points, and scored the most points in the MAC.
2007:
-5-3 conference record and 5-7 overall record. First winning conference record since 1999.
-Named MAC coach of the year. Generated interest for being hired coach of Nebraska Cornhuskers since he turned around the UB program so quickly.
2008:
-Finished with 7-5 record, first overall winning record in a long time.
-Losses were to ranked opponents or future bowl game contenders.
-Won MAC conference championship over 12-0 #12 ranked Ball State by score of 42-24.
-Team's first ever Bowl game appearance will occur in January.
-Received attention from Syracuse University and Auburn who were interested in him as head coach.
-Contract extended through 2013, including a raise.
Head Coaching Record:
15-22
Comparison:
Neither coach has an overall winning record as head coach, but Gill's performance is much more impressive. He took the worst college football team in division 1-A and took it to a bowl game in just three years. While Chizik's assistant coaching record and abilities as defensive coordinator are impressive, his head-coaching skills are sub-par.
Auburn Athletic Director Grade:
After looking at the resume´ of each prospective coach, it pretty much stands to reason that Turner Gill would be the hands down choice for the next head coach of Auburn. Auburn Athletics, you get an
A
for being a monster douchebag.