Douchebag Report Card: Dane Cook

POSTED BY CSQUEEZE IN GENERAL | COMMENTS

We decided that there are certainly enough people in the world to afford us the chance to issue a douchebag report card more often than once a month. So why not TWICE a month?! After we gave it some thought, we decided to try out Dane Cook; possibly the most famous comic in the U.S. at the moment. This probably won't be as easy as The Jonas Brothers (yuck, but A+ douchebags for sure), but we thought we'd give it a shot anyway.

Here's our second target:

Dane Cook

Nice beater, bro.

Why He Deserves A Douchebag Report Card:

It's not because he's ridiculously famous, no, there are plenty of famous people in the world, and many of those people are MORE famous than Dane Cook. We thought we would give him a douchebag report card because of the nature of his career. His comedy isn't exactly noteworthy, he isn't regarded with respect from his peers in the comedy community, his acting talent has something to be desired, and yet, he continues to find work. We just can't seem to understand this phenomenon.

We submit for you, Dane Cook's Douchebag Report Card:

On His Material:

The "Su-fi," huh? Uh...awesome.

Every comedian has their own style. Some comics have a non-sequitur style (Steven Wright, Mitch Hedberg), some comics tell longer stories (Greg Giraldo, Richard Pryor), and some comics do a sort of hybrid (Eugene Mirman, Patton Oswalt). Dane Cook has a style all his own. While he does attempt He seems to constantly offer bizarre hypothetical equations that, yes, are sort of funny to think about, but really have no insight or meaning. Even a non-sequitur comics manage to offer insight into pop-culture and social problems, even on a shallow level. Take Mitch Hedberg's outlook on superstition, for example: "They say the number 13 is bad luck, but so should the letter "B" be, cause that's a 13 scrunched together." That's a view on the letter "B" that no one else can claim.

A possible reason why he manages to win over audiences is his ability to use bizarre movements and uncommon word pronunciations to cover up his lack of material. It's true that you usually don't hear someone say the word "situation" with the pronunciation "sitch-oo-aye-SHEE-un," but that doesn't make it funny.

With his unclever material and bizarre stage persona, Dane Cook's material gets a(n):

On His Acting:

Sometimes comics are able to make the transition from stand-up comic to actor. Sometimes. The notable greats are Bill Cosby, Richard Pryor, Dave Chappelle, Jerry Seinfeld, and more. Unfortunately for Dane Cook, he doesn't fall into that category. Sure he acts often, but does not do it well. It would be fine if he were to only receive bit-parts in films, but for some reason he always gets the lead roles. Mostly in forgettable movies, too. For instance, in 1999 when Cook won the role of Dennis Rodman's sidekick in "Simon Sez." And how could anyone remember his parts in flops like "Waiting," "Good Luck Chuck," and "Mr. Brooks"?

Check out his acting in Mr. Brooks. It starts at about the :30 mark. And yes, it's pretty dismal:

Dane Cook's acting gets a(n):

On His Stealing:

This is the most serious offense on the list. Stand-up comedy is performed on an honor-system basis. When comedians travel across the country, they undoubtedly encounter countless other comedians, talk shop, and often watching each other perform. When this happens, comics might discover that they've touched on similar subjects as other comics. When this happens, the performers conference and try to figure out who has been performing the material longer, or agree that the ideas are different enough so that the two can keep it in their comedy library for proceeding performances.

Dane Cook has been accused of stealing by many comedians. These comics include Joe Rogan, Demetri Martin, and most notably, Louis C.K. We admit that some subjects are touched upon by a large population of the comedy community. Unfortunately, the following Louis C.K. bits seem unique enough that Dane Cook's versions can't just be a coincidence.

It's tough for Dane Cook to defend this one. Not only did Louis C.K.'s CD come out long before Dane Cook used it, but they're both from Boston. It would be a stretch for Dane Cook to say he had never seen or heard of Louis C.K. before. Louis is known for being a "comic's comic." That means that other comics are inspired by his material and performance style.

For Stealing, Dane Cook Gets a(n):

On His Fans:

The problem with this area of Dane Cook's douchebaginess isn't necessarily his fault. And we don't want to stereotype every single person that likes Dane Cook, but we're going to anyway. Ask anyone to close their eyes and picture a Dane Cook fan. What will they say? They picture the dudes wearing a backwards baseball hat, Abercrombie and Fitch clothing, ripped jeans, puka shells, etc, the classic male "douchebag." The girls are perfectly groomed, rocking some Ugg boots, and girls in large groups have all made t-shirts declaring their love for the guy.

But that's just what they wear. Look at how they defend his comedy: They'll say things like "He's just real, bro. He says what everyone's thinking and shit. It's sick." Being a good comedian has nothing to do with saying what everyone's thinking. Our favorite method of defending Dane Cook has to do with his stealing. If you go to forums about how he stole from Louis C.K. you'll find your average idiot who says "Who carez if he stealz, he did it betta then this Louis C.K. tard n e wayz LOL!!!1!" First of all, it's not even true. Louis C.K. is one of the best comedians on the circuit today. And second of all, that's like saying it's ok to steal someone's car as long as you put rims on it.

Overall:

After taking all things into consideration, what with Dane Cook's material, his acting, and the fact that he steals, we give Dane Cook a douchebag grade of: