We at CampusSqueeze decided something: we hate douchebags. Since there are quite a bit of them running around, we decided that there must be levels of douchebaggery. Some are worse than others, but all are awful. Our "Douchebag Report Card" is tentatively scheduled to be released monthly, but with all the possible candidates, who knows how frequently we might issue them.
Here's our first target: The Jonas Brothers
Why They Deserve A Douchebag Report Card:
They've recently become extremely popular with the shamelessly influential 10-15 year old girl demographic. This means they'll be making loads of money off of their sex appeal. "Why are you making fun of these dudes?! They're going to get laid a ton, right?" No. No they are not. That's not opinion, folks. That's fact. The Jonas Brothers have repeatedly discussed their blood oath to stay virgins until marriage, and even wear promise rings to show their devotion to their pact. Sure, you can argue that they're just making false claims to sell more albums, but wouldn't they make more money claiming they love doin' it? Hell, most of us would welcome back the boy-band explosion of the late 90s over these guys. At least the boy bands from those days used their fame to do it with chicks (minus Lance Bass). Secondly, they're completely against drugs and alcohol, so we can't even hope for an untimely hotel room OD.
Clothing:
It's not lame if only TWO of us are wearing scarves.
Here's the thing; we don't know that much about clothing. On any given day, you'll find us wearing t-shirts and some form of pants, hopefully. And while we're no fashion experts, we can still tell what's cool, and when a long look in the mirror might have actually helped a person prevent an embarassing day of stares, complete with booing. Such is the Jonas Brothers: You can find these guys around town dressed in only the coolest, feminine styled retro bizarre clothing available. Oh, and scarves. They're always wearing scarves. Maybe we missed the boat on this one, but when did guys start wearing scarves...year round? Sure, girls look hot doing it, and tough dudes exploring the arctic circle need them, but these guys look like Rachel Ray dressed them.
Clothing Grade: D
Douchiest Moment:
Humor grade: F
Again, we were only able to sit through two videos before being overwhelmed by nausea, so there are probably videos whose douchiness surpasses this one, but this is just painful. Their attempt at humor is frighteningly feminine and awkward. You feel that tingling? That's your soul dying.
Douchiest Lyrics:
From their hit song "Burnin' Up"
"Yeah we're burnin' up in this place tonight
The brothers sing it loud
(And we're feeling right)
Get up and dance
(Don't try and fight it)
Big Rob for real
(And that's no lie)
Stop drop and roll
(And touch the floor)
(It keeps on burning up)
More and More
I got JB with me
(Layin' it down)
Now come on boys
Let's bring the chorus around"
We'll be honest; we were barely able to sit through this 4-minute video on youtube before we experienced symptoms similar to when a person consumes week old catfish. With that in mind, we admit that the Jonas Brothers possibly have worse lyrics, but these are pretty shitty, so we're gonna use them. Remember how we mentioned that the Jonas Brothers hate girls? Well, the rest of this song has lyrics about how this chick is hot enough to "turn up the temperature" and even compare her sexiness to the heat of lava. Also, the video is filled with hot chicks. So these guys surround themselves with the hottest girls they can find to not have sex with them? They should call their next album "Blue Balls And Why 2/3 Of Us Have Killed Ourselves."
Lyrics grade: F
Overall Douchiness: A+**
**A+ means that they're amazing at being douchebags. It doesn't mean they're cool.