We at Campus Squeeze decided something: we hate douchebags. Since there are quite a bit of them running around, we decided that there must be levels of douchebaggery. Some are worse than others, but all are awful. Our "Douchebag Report Card" is meant to grade the douchiest people of our society, so we know just how douchy these douchebags really are.
This Week: Joe The Plumber
When it comes to being an opportunist, Joe the Plumber (Sam Wurzelbacher) should write a book. He had every right to confront Barack Obama during his campaign stop on Wurzelbacher's street prior to the election; that's what America's all about. What got us annoyed was the WAY he did it. After proclaiming his career as a successful plumber, he claimed he was planning on buying a business that makes above $250,000 a year and would therefore be taxed more by Obama's plan. Again, that's fine. But later, it was revealed that Wurzelbacher does NOT have a plumbing license and, as he puts it, is "unemployed." So, what's going on here?
On The Things He Says:
Sam Wurzelbacher hasn't really said anything of value since he achieved the spotlight he so desperately craves, but it's funny to watch him try. Just like when he was sent to Israel as a war correspondent for some reason. Why is this guy considered relevant enough to do something as important as being a war correspondent? It doesn't make sense. But again, this moron has to go and spout his opinion about the media covering war. He should shut up soon.
Look at him try to fish for questions to ask. "I'm just trying to find the right one." Oh really? Or are you just not supposed to be a war correspondent in the first place? It's an extremely difficult job, one that he has absolutely no training for, and yet, he still goes on to criticize its importance. "I think the media should have no business in it." Where does he think we live, Oceania? Yes, this situation required a 1984 reference.
Don't worry, Rick Sanchez is on it.
Let's go back to his "I'm planning on buying a small company" talk that he was spewing out earlier. Turns out, that company actually makes around $510,000 a year, and the last discussion surrounding his buying of the company was about 6 years prior to his encounter with Barack Obama. It's pretty safe to say Joe the Plumber needs to do some BULLSHIT plumbing, if that makes sense. Another important thing to remember is, Joe The Plumber does not have a plumbing license. He should now be called "Joe The Unlicensed Plumber." Why is he called Joe the Plumber if it's not legal for him to be a plumber? Is it because being a plumber is real American's job and the McCain campaign wanted to seem like they support people who work hard? If that's so, they should have picked someone with a job.
Also, Joe The Unlicensed Plumber doesn't pay his taxes.
He also loves to complain about government influence and that it's unnecessary. When Joe the Unlicensed Unemployed Plumber was a kid, his parents were on welfare. So the lesson here is, it's ok to be on welfare only if it's JUST you. No one else is allowed, obviously. JTUUP also mentioned in an interview that he doesn't make anywhere near a six-figure income and is America's "most famous unemployed person." Even Paris Hilton was on The Simple Life, which is sort of a job, since she had to sign a contract and all that.
On His Obvious Need For Attention:
Just when you thought "there just aren't enough books written by irrelevent, annoying, pointless, dumb Americans," JTUUP had to come out and write his own book: Joe The Plumber--Fighting For The American Dream. See that guys? He's literally fighting for the American dream, every day. Most people fight for the American dream by having a job and supporting their families, but JTUUP merely walked up to a person and said things. Then he became famous, then he used that fame to pretend to be important. So it only makes sense that his book would be very short: "Say something to a Presidential Candidate. Pretend to be a hard worker. Say 'inflammatory' things. Celebrate."
Overall:
If Joe The Unlicensed Unemployed Plumber was sincere, we wouldn't have a problem with him. But since he's clearly just an opportunist without any real opinion or point of view, simply riding his questionable fame out for as much personal gain as possible. Is that the American dream? In a way, yes: easy money is the American dream, but let's not make that money off of something as important as a presidential election. Go to hell, Joe The Unlicensed Unemployed Plumber.
A- douchebag
He would get a higher score, but our thought is that he'll be gone in a few weeks. If not, don't be surprised if he gets another report card.