We at Campus Squeeze decided something: we hate douchebags. Since there are quite a bit of them running around, we decided that there must be levels of douchebaggery. Some are worse than others, but all are awful. Our "Douchebag Report Card" is meant to grade the douchiest people of our society, so we know just how douchy these douchebags really are.
This Week's Target: Kathy Griffin
Kathy Griffin is seriously the worst. When she isn't performing her self-congratulatory form of stand-up "comedy," she's celebrating herself on her worthless reality show My Life On The D-List. And remember her characters on Seinfeld and Suddenly Susan? Both were unlikable, insufferable characters who made you dread coming to work for fear that one day, an obnoxious person like that will share a cubicle with you. Basically, she's never had to act a day in her life because she's just playing minimally stylized versions of herself. We could go on and on about how awful Kathy Griffin is, but let's look at the evidence.
On Her Stand-Up Comedy:
Her stand-up is chock full of unoriginal insights and annoying celebrity worship. How anyone finds her "comedy" tolerable is an anomaly as impossible to solve as the Hodge Conjecture. (And much like the Hodge Conjecture, if anyone can prove Kathy Griffin is funny, they deserve $1,000,000.) In her act, she only touches on celebrities and TV shows. That's it. Sure, she feigns diversity but touching on other topics, but not really. It all comes down to how it relates to life as a pseudo-celebrity, and how annoying celebrities can be, and the things celebrities do.
Take a look at this clip of a stand-up performance in which she discusses her HILARIOUS (no) Emmy acceptance speech, and her feelings towards gays. You'll find out how much she LOVES THEM by her annoying roll call in the beginning of the video. If you don't watch the whole thing, don't worry, it's intolerable.
Isn't it hilarious how she does the "blowjob" "handjob," and "butt-sex" gestures over and over again?! She doesn't care what ANYONE thinks! What a ground-breaker. Nope, she's merely over-using a childish gag to get laughs from her personal audience. That's really where another one of our problems lies with Kathy Griffin: Put her in a comedy club, and she'll eat it. That's the difference between her and a funny comic. If you had put the great George Carlin in a room full of people who didn't know who he was (how is that even possible? But besides the point), he'll STILL have them laughing their hardest. Put Kathy Griffin in a room with people who don't know who she is, and she'll leave the stage crying. That's because her material is a reflection of a character she's created: a zany, rule-breaking, unapologetic red-head who's coming your way and your best bet is to move or get hit in the face with hilarity! So in this video, you hear her getting big laughs, but that's because its her personal audience. She could fart on an ironing board, and these people would give her a standing ovation at the end of it.
Speaking of that dumb Emmy award acceptance speech, check it out:
We're not real religious around here, but this just annoyed us. Why can't she just accept the Emmy with grace and class? Religion aside, she's making fun of celebrities for thanking Jesus. Who cares if they thank Jesus? Celebrities thank their parents a lot too. When she defended her remarks, she said religion is annoying and people try to force Jesus on you etc. We know how annoying militantly religious people are, but if you were to win an Emmy, would crapping on celebrities who thank Jesus in their acceptance speech be very high on your to-do list? What an attention whore.
Here she is on New Year's 2009:
Look at the talented and intelligent Kathy Griffin using the first ever heckler-put down line ever written. This is the perfect example of how not-funny Kathy Griffin is. Her one-dimensional stand-up act gets laughs...from people who are there to see Kathy Griffin. She's gotten used to being in front of her fans every night for years now. Then some guys (heroes, as they should called) started heckling her on New Year's. And she had no idea what to do. She resorted to being loud and obnoxious (her true self) and ended up swearing on television. Where are these fellows? They deserve some more free alcohol.
Overall:
Kathy Griffin is an example of confusing success: note her hatred for The Hills. Much like those idiots, she's famous for nothing. Her comedy is unoriginal, boring, one-dimensional, and easy. How she's made it this far in the entertainment business is an insult to truly talented people. Sure, she won an Emmy award. But it was for a REALITY SHOW. She didn't have to do any writing or put forth any real effort. At least we KNOW The Hills is a sham. It won't win any awards, but neither should Kathy Griffin.
What grade do we give her? Is she a douchebag? Not exactly. She's just stupid. Oh well.
Grade A+ Douchebag.
Think we were rough? Check out our hatred for Dane Cook.