So we're back to this. The Douchebag Report Card. We should probably mention that the last two report cards were RESOUNDING SUCCESSES. So far, we've been able to successfully tear apart the Jonas Brothers and Dane Cook, concluding that both parties are uber douchebags. We don't mean for it to happen, but through our scientific and highly complicated formula we've concluded that they're both Grade-A+ douche-nozzles. It's SCIENCE, people. We're sure that not ALL of our report cards will issue a score of Grade-A douchebag, but we won't know until we issue them, will we?
Here he is:
Shia Labeouf!
Ain't gonna keep those SICK ABS eating all that pizza, bro.
Why He Deserves A Douchebag Report Card:
He's in EVERY MOVIE FOREVER. That doesn't make him a douchebag, but it DOES put him in the spotlight, and when the spotlight is on you, you're subject to scrutiny. Plus, he's a Disney alumni, and no one likes Disney. Why else? It's pretty tough to say specifically, but it just seems to us that a lot of people don't like him for some reason.
On His Acting
We will say this: Shia Labeouf isn't a bad actor. There are certainly worse actors in the world (Paul Walker, Joshua Jackson, Ashanti). But he's just sort of an annoying one. He always portrays the "sweet-on-the-inside-but-chronically-misunderstood-on-the-outside" characters in his movies. His Disturbia and Transformers characters are pretty much the same kid. Perhaps we're just annoyed (jealous) that his "down on my luck but still gets to bang the hottest girls ever" appeal gets tossed into every movie.
And someone else noticed Shia's love for the word "No." We haven't seen these scripts on paper, but we're positive the screenwriters don't call for any of these characters to yell "No!" 3,000 times in 40 seconds.
This one is similar, but touches on a few different situations when Shia Labeouf abuses his favorite word.
Then there's THIS scene from Transformers. He didn't write it, but boy, is the flexing thing lame.
Shia Labeouf's Acting Gets A(n):
C+
On His Over-Exposure
Unfortunately, Hollywood has decided that Shia Labeouf is the most talented actor under age 26. He doesn't party with Lindsay Lohan, and he isn't a Scientologist (yet), so he wins points. Therefore, he gets cast in every major role requiring the stereotypical "American teenager." If there's a big name movie coming out, he gets to be in it for some reason. It's almost like he's everywhere...
For Being Over-Exposed, Shia Labeouf Gets A(n):
D
On His "Publicness"
As we said before, he doesn't party with douchebags like Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton, which is good, because those people are basically cancerous polyps in the colon of America. Polyps that will spread, and eventually destroy us all. Even the non-polyps are screwed. With that being said, Shia Labeouf isn't a total recluse. He DOES come out, and when he does, things can get pretty douchy.
For example, in an interview about his religion, Labeouf said he has a "personal relationship with God that works within the confines of Judaism." Thanks Shia, could you be less descriptive? That's the equivalent of when dumb people say "I'm not religious but I'm spiritual." Which basically means "I pray to God for things when I need to. Otherwise, fuck it."
Sometimes, Shia likes to be a tough guy. Here he is asking another dude to slap him in the face. Also, he calls the other dude "dogg" a couple times. Not cool.
Shia's also gotten in an accident with his smokin' hot Transformers co-star Isabel Lucas. That's more embarassing for him though. Still, it doesn't help his image.
Another time, he was arrested! Getting arrested is bad-ass. Unless it's by a Wal-Greens security guard because he politely asked you to stop smoking and you didn't. Which is what happened to Shia Labeouf. He was smoking. And he got arrested for it. He would have scored major points had he been arrested for punching out a paparazzi. Then he didn't show up for court like he was supposed to. That's just lame. Come on dude.
For His Public Persona, Shia Labeouf Gets A(n):
C-
Overall:
When we think about his acting, his being in every movie for all time, and his public appearances, we award Shia Labeouf a douchebag grade of:
C+
This means he's sort of a douchebag, a sort of pre-douchebag, teetering on the edge of Douchedome, with the opportunity to continue down the dark side, or perhaps one day becoming cool. We'll have to keep our eye on him. Until then, Shia Labeouf is only a C+ douchebag.