We at Campus Squeeze decided something: we hate douchebags. Since there are quite a bit of them running around, we decided that there must be levels of douchebaggery. Some are worse than others, but all are awful. Our "Douchebag Report Card" is meant to grade the douchiest people of our society, so we know just how douchy these douchebags really are.
This Week: Soulja Boy
When it comes to bad music, Soulja Boy deserves a Grammy. It would be "The Grammy Award For Outstanding Achievement In Being A Terrible Artist Who Sold A Lot Of Albums For Some Reason." It would be a long title, but people would understand. Soulja Boy's first single "Crank Dat" was painful, and it was made worse by the fervor created by 14 year old girls across America. If music has taught us one thing, it's that when 14 year old girls like a thing, that thing will make an oil-tanker full of money. People want to make money, so radio stations made sure to play "Crank Dat" for hours on end, resulting in the suicides of countless radio DJs across America. Finally, why does he have "Tell 'Em" in his name?
On His Videos:
Since this moron already destroyed hip-hop, he thought; "Why not take on another musical genre?" And thus, this video was born. If you can make it through ten seconds, you're normal. If you can make it through the full video, you've probably been waterboarded, and thought to yourself "I'm really missing that board and black hood right about now."
F
How To Dance: Soulja Douche Style
If you can master the complicated moves in this video, congrats; you can move. Probably the most obnoxious aspect of this video is it's "Who gives a shit-ness." Because seriously, who sits at home and says "I NEED TO LEARN HOW TO DANCE LIKE A BIRD"? No one does. That's pretty arrogant, deciding that your shitty dance is so awesome you should waste time creating a worthless instructional video that teaches people how to do it properly, the whole time thinking "You're welcome, world." If you want the world to thank you, you would fill your stupid hat with water and drown yourself in it.
F
How To Be A Celebrity According To Soulja Dickface:
Usually when a person makes an instructional video, they sort of plan out what they're going to say. But Soulja Boy TURNS THE WORLD ON ITS EAR AGAIN by simply fumbling around and not knowing what the fuck he's talking about. Try and count the amount of times he says "Now listen" in an attempt to sound authoritative and knowledgable. That's akin to the guy who tries to insult you by saying "You're so stupid that...get this...are you ready for this? I'm going to insult you so hard. Seriously, you better just leave before I insult you. Get out of here man. Ok, I'm not going to say it because it was SO mean and...you know."
F
How To Respond To Someone Better Than You:
You can count on Soulja Boy to take on someone with more talent and credibility than him any day of the week. While Soulja Chump clumsily insults Ice-T "He's old!" and "He's on Law And Order solving mysteries and shit!", his two idiot friends laugh their heads off in the background. They're brain-dead idiots. They're almost as bad as Soulja Boy, but Soulja Boy is still the worst for associating with them. It's a continuous cycle of worthlessness.
Bonus:
How To Be A Hero:
While we try not to advocate guns and violence, we DO try to advocate hating Soulja Boy creatively! These fellows decided to take their hatred of Soulja Boy to his doorstep, in a literal and terrifying manner. They brought a firearm, brass balls, and their love of not working to Soulja Boy's house and robbed him blind. And while you can tell this pair of goons probably don't have a diploma of any kind proudly displayed in their homes, they still gave us the satisfaction of knowing that Soulja Boy "Cried like a little bitch" recently.
These fellows get an
A+
for their robbery of Soulja Boy.
Overall:
Soulja Boy's music is so insufferable that he enters a realm of douchiness usually reserved for the worst people on the planet. His remarkable arrogance and clear lack of talent make Soulja Boy Tell 'Em a
GRADE A++ douchebag
Possibly the most annoying person we've ever reviewed.
Hate Soulja Boy? Check out our review of The Jonas Brothers and Dane Cook.