We at Campus Squeeze decided something: we hate douchebags. Since there are quite a bit of them running around, we decided that there must be levels of douchebaggery. Some are worse than others, but all are awful. Our "Douchebag Report Card" is meant to grade the douchiest people of our society, so we know just how douchy these douchebags really are.
Here's our next target: The Hogan Family.
Why They Deserve A Douchebag Report Card:
Remember Hogan Knows Best? It was one of the worst reality shows ever, which is saying a lot because reality shows are fucking miserable as it is. But this one basically concerned Hulk Hogan running around protecting his manly daughter from lame dudes, or teaching his ultra-douchy son Nick how to wrestle and be a douchebag. It's the worst. And these assholes need to be graded.
Hulk Hogan:
Should my son get life in prison?! Wait, say "No" this time.
Yeah, everyone was infected with "Hulkamania" back in the day. But O.J. Simpson (hint ;) ) was a great running back at one point, too. See? Past performance doesn't indicate future results. Like we said before, Hulk is exceptionally protective of his daughter. Nothing wrong with being a protective dad, but when you hatch schemes to basically stalk her when she's out, you've really crossed some lines. For example, Hogan put a GPS device on Brooke's car so he could always know where she was. The device also had the ability to shut the car's engine down. That's pretty freaky.
Hulk and Nick rip on the victim.
See? According to Hulk, God punishes bad people. God must've missed the awfulness of the Hogan family. Who WOULDN'T want to make a reality show off of the loss of someone?
Linda Hogan:
How do these things work?
She's a sleeper choice for being the worst person in the entire family. She probably would be considered a real sweetheart if it wasn't for her angry tirade against the mother of her son's victim, John Graziano. After the car accident that left John completely brain-dead, and Nick doing some light jail time, Mrs. Hogan was all "boo-hoo, I lost a son, even though he's still alive and I can see him and talk to him and, I can't stress this enough, he's still alive."
Come on guys, she's suffering MORE than the victim's mother, here. Didn't you hear what she said? Being at the beach just ISN'T the same. What a horrible human being.
So then Linda and Hulk got "divorced," which many people feel is all a gigantic ruse in order to protect the family fortune. To make things worse, she's been spotted around town with some 19-year-old douchinator, who looks EXACTLY like her son Nick. It's pretty filthy, even if their relationship is fake or real.
Brooke Hogan:
Good night Rachel's 16th birthday party!
Brooke is a pretty talentless singer. Kind of a manly body, but oh well. She's the only one in the family who's got it together for the most part. Definitely the least douchy of all the Hogans.
Nick Hogan:
Wanna go for a ride?
Probably the worst person in the family, Nick has gotten by on his family name, excelling in nothing, but getting tons of free shit anyway. He got plenty of speeding tickets, which foreshadowed his darkest hour. While driving with his friend John Graziano, who at the time was an active duty U.S. Marine, Nick got into an accident. Graziano wasn't wearing his seatbelt at the time, and was severely injured, including severe head trauma. Here's a video of the aftermath. Don't watch it if you're squeamish.
Douchebag grade: A+
This family is the worst. Most of the other douchebags involved in our douchebag report card are simply annoying or egotistical or stupid or talentless or all of those things rolled into one. This family goes beyond all that, and traverses into the "evil" level of horribleness. They're simply bad people. For that, they deserve to burn. Brooke can stay, as long as she doesn't sing or anything.