We at Campus Squeeze decided something:  we hate douchebags.  Since there are quite a bit of them running around, we decided that there must be levels of douchebaggery.  Some are worse than others, but all are awful.  Our "Douchebag Report Card" is meant to grade the douchiest people of our society, so we know just how douchy these douchebags really are.

This Week:  Criss Angel

What the fuck....?

Criss Angel almost shouldn't be allowed to be graded because he's a magician, or whatever those people like to be called.  (Is that racist?)  Magicians are always pretty annoying, so it only makes sense that Criss Angel is annoying too.  The only difference is; he's pretty much the most famous of all of them.  And while that only really makes him slightly more famous than you, he's still kind of famous.  What?  Anyway, let's grade him and see what happens. 

On His Name:

Criss Angel.  His real name is Christopher Nicholas Sarantakos.  Well, it stands to reason that he would change his name.  But here's where our problem with it comes in: Criss Angel?  Why can't he just be "Chris" like every other one?  Angel?  Does he think his abilities go so far beyond the "normal" person that he is some sort of deity?  By the way, slight of hand and crowd distraction ARE abilities.  But that doesn't mean he can actually fly.  We just think it's lame for him to change his name in such a douchy manner.  "Criss" doesn't need to be spelled like that and "Angel" doesn't need to be there.  Gross!

Grade:

D+

 

On His "Tricks":

Take this for example.  Is it an illusion, or just being weird?

"Hey 8 year old, I think WE BOTH wish you were 20."  These days, you really can't do anything with children without everyone getting all "To Catch A Predator" on you, but this is still kind of a weird thing.  It's not like he made the girl float or disappear or something.  Maybe he should have made her REALLY old, not a hot 20-year-old.

Some of his stuff is actually pretty cool.  Here's a cool trick Criss Angel does:

Wait.  That one was just weird also.  What happened to guessing someone's card?

Ok, ONE MORE TRICK:

WHAT?  This guy is just weird.  "I was like, gonna like, die."  Words of a true genius.

Grade:

Weird.

 

Overall:

Criss Angel is really more of an annoying douchebag than he is a dangerous one, like Soulja Boy or The Jonas Brothers, who are dangerous because people actually think they have talent.  Criss Angel's Vegas show tanked hard recently, and failed to sell many tickets.  Since he's not that influential, and is pretty much harmless, Criss Angel is merely a

C+ level douchebag.

Yeah, he's weird and all that, but he isn't going to hurt anyone.

 

Who are the worst douchebags?  Check out our thoughts on The Hogan Family or Sharon Stone.