OCT
5

Girl Drinks - A List of Drinks Men Should Never Order


1. Alcopop
A fruity flavored alcoholic beverage also known as bitch piss. Consumed in vast quantities by 15-yr old girls with way too much make up and nowhere near enough clothing. Things like hard lemonade, Zima and wine coolers.

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2. White Zinfandel
This is a blush wine that women who know nothing about wine drink because it is fruity and sweet. For added pansy effect, ask for an ice cube.

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3. Mai Tai, Fuzzy Navel, Screwdriver, Alabama Slammer, Sex on the Beach, etc.
Readers beware, all mixed drinks fall under this heading. Get real - A sweet, sugary, often fruity alcoholic beverage that is most often consumed by women and gay men. Do you really want to be the guy to say “I’ll have the same as her”?

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4. Cosmopolitan (”Cosmo”)
A cocktail made famous by the show Sex And The City. It consists of cranberry juice, triple sec, vodka and lime. Yes, this could fall under the mixed drink category, but it gets its own because Sarah Jessica Parker drinks these when she’s horny.

cosmopolitan.jpg

5. Margarita
A gay man’s nectar of choice. It’s limey-taste is excellent for concealing rank breath after a “trip to the bathroom”. The fact that it’s frozen and comes equipped with an umbrella is not very macho. Group this with Pina Colada and Mudslide and reserve it for a night at Applebee’s with your lady.

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6. Anything that ends in ‘-tini’ (Appletini, Flirtini, Chocolatini, and so on)
The only, repeat only, acceptable Martini is the dirty kind - a deadly cocktail which consists of a 2:1 ratio of gin or vodka and dry vermouth with olive brine added to dirty it up. Any other kind is defined as this: a drink known in the gay community as a drink to give to your partner for a sure Brokeback session later that night. PS-If you really want to impress your lady ask for your gin martini with a twist. Very sophisticated.

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7. Did we mention mixed drinks?
Oh, that’s right, we did. Stay away, stay away. If the above evidence still isn’t enough to quell your curiosity, figure in the fact that these girly drinks usually cost twice as much as your standard draft.

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And in case you’re legally defined as one quarter putz, here is a very basic no-no list. Feel free to print it out and stuff it into your wallet next to that unused condom.

1. Cute little umbrellas
2. Straws
3. Whipped Cream
4. Slushies
5. Fruit garnishes



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October 5. 2007 08:39

Clothing » Girl Drinks - A List of Drinks Men Should Never Order

[...] Joe Reality wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick excerptConsumed in vast quantities by 15-yr old girls with way too much make up and nowhere near enough clothing. Things like hard lemonade, Zima and wine coolers. 2. White Zinfandel This is a blush wine that women who know nothing about wine … [...]

Clothing » Girl Drinks - A List of Drinks Men Should Never Order

October 8. 2007 05:09

Manly Drinks - The Manliest Drinks in the World — Campus Squeeze

[...] ← Girl Drinks - A List of Drinks Men Should Never Order [...]

Manly Drinks - The Manliest Drinks in the World — Campus Squeeze

October 8. 2007 11:20

interesting

Fruit Garnishes are a no-no but the number one "manly drink" has a fruit garnish - something the author isn't telling us, perhaps?

interesting

October 9. 2007 08:48

Hal

I can agree with most of your no-no drinks except the margarita. If it's made right I think they are a mans drink.

Here is How it's done:
3 oz. top shelf "platinum" or "silver" tequila (I recommend Herradura)
3 oz. fresh squeezed lime juice.
1 oz. Cointreau

Shake and serve up. No garnish

Hal

October 9. 2007 09:01

F

All the gay slams really add to the content of your article. You are clearly funnier because of them. Except not.

F

October 9. 2007 09:04

ethnicman

I agree with frozen Margaritas but I think a margarita on the rocks is a decent manly drinks even if for no other reason than that few people drink it like that or even know it is an option

ethnicman

October 9. 2007 09:30

A

As you get older and wiser, you realize these lists are for insecure sheep who need to read magazines to follow trends. I'm a real man. I drink what I want. I drink alcohol to get drunk, not for taste. I drink 8 oz. of vodka or scotch or rum at one time followed by a nice sweet drink to wash out the taste from my mouth. Screw you sheep with your "Grey Goose tastes better than "Ketel One". ;)

A

October 9. 2007 09:49

tehdai

There is only one "man" drink, this is neat single malt scotch. From Scotland. Or at a push, Ireland. No ice, no water (though a separate glass of water is just about OK). Just top-quality single malt, in a glass.

Ale (that is properly brewed beer served at cellar (not "room") temperature) qualifies as almost a man drink. Yes I am British - how did you guess.

Why? Well, these are two drinks that are made and served as nature intended. No processing, no chemical sweeteners, no mixers, no industrial processes. If you are a real man you don't need to use technology to engineer yourself a palatable drink.

Anything else, and you are on a slippery slope that ends in ruin and metrosexuality.

tehdai

October 9. 2007 10:01

Badger

Hey Real Man. Only 8 oz.
Pussy.
Last night 26 oz of Canadian Club followed by three tequila and white creme de menthes (Silver Bullet) two oz in each. Raring to go today.

Badger

October 9. 2007 10:22

Pedro49

I agree with the above. Margaritas are manly if the following conditions exist: On the rocks, no salt, and any recipe that calls for "squeezing" a lime as the only means of a non-alcoholic ingredient. I disagree with soda in mixed drinks. Great Scotch is to be enjoyed on the rocks. Exceptional Scotch "naked".

Pedro49

October 9. 2007 10:29

Chi

Margaritas are NOT a "gay man's nectar". How do I know this? Cause I'm gay and work at a gay club. Rarely do anyone order margaritas. Though I do agree with cosmos and other mixed drinks.

Chi

October 9. 2007 10:30

playa

Little boys listen up and learn a real man drinks whatever he wants. He does not need a lame list. I'll drink all the drinks on this list and then screw your girlfriends, your sisters and your mother while your watching some dumb sports someone else told you should watch. Hey and sometime I'll screw them all at the same time. Use your own brain, it could surprise you!

playa

October 9. 2007 11:53

Tae

As frat boys have taught us, real men only drink the cheapest crappy beer they can get the most of for the night. Anyone who drinks something with taste or color is a homo fag queer because he doesn't get drunk off some piss in a can. Well played, my good man. Well played.

Useful side note: Any one of those drinks (including the bitch beer, clocking in at 5%) has a higher %alc than the piss you bought at the 7-11.

Tae

October 9. 2007 13:14

Rex Steel

Lol, I'm going to drink what tastes good. Even if it's called fruitini.
Geesh, insecure brats...

Rex Steel

October 10. 2007 00:20

Someone with some damn sense

Mixed drinks taste good. Your "manly drinks" taste like chilled crap. Therefore: fuck you, I'm ordering my mixed drinks whether if sets off your gay panic or not.

Someone with some damn sense

October 10. 2007 02:18

MrBaliHai

If you think that a Mai Tai is a girly drink, you need to get to a Trader Vic's and try a real one, not the pink sugary swill that today's lameass bartenders serve up for college girls.

MrBaliHai

October 10. 2007 06:57

LIYF

Amazing how easy it is to push people's buttons with a list of girly drinks. "uuuunnnghhh I drink anti-freeze mixed with dirt I'm not gay uuuunnnghhh"
*snort*

LIYF

October 10. 2007 10:21

redneckbillybob

I'm about six and a half feet tall, weigh 370 pounds, have a beautiful girlfriend, am comfortable with my sexuality and love to drink! I will drink whatever I want whenever I want and need nobody to tell me otherwise. If it tastes good and gets you there, who cares what it looks like. I think a real man doesn't care what the "Rules" are.I'll drink to that! You're not one of those "homophobe" fellers are you?

redneckbillybob

October 10. 2007 10:34

Me

I think you'll find that real men drink whatthefuck they want and don't care what other people might think about it.

Me

October 10. 2007 18:46

Ogre

Yah, uh, I'm w/ Me on this.. and on the man's drinks you forgot ABSINTHE you sludge. Any drink that causes hallucinations and brain damage is about as manly as you can get. How about Boiler makers? One beer, on shot of high octane whatever (usually Everclear), light that bitch on fire, drop it in the bear and slam it, fire and all.
And NONE of this compares to the "Mojo" found at the Alamo Bar in Subic Bay, the Phillipines, two of these bad boys puts even the most skilled alcoholic on the floor!

Ogre

October 10. 2007 18:47

Ogre

Sorry about the spelling errors, the allergy meds are kicking in.

Ogre

October 11. 2007 06:21

Reklaw

What's with all the gay jokes? Men confident in their own sexuality don't feel a need to gay-bash. I guess the author has some issues.

Reklaw

October 26. 2007 01:13

Dan

The reason you're getting traffic (on "The manliest drinks) is StumbleUpon - That's how I found your, btw very fine site, anywaysSmile

Dan

October 28. 2007 19:21

Jen

I'm with Me and Reklaw. The guys I hang out with usually drink something that this article defines as "girly" at least once during an evening, and a lot of these boys I'll vouch for as being very secure in their "manliness". Focus on your own drink, not the one in the hand of the guy beside you. Cheers!

Jen

October 29. 2007 17:48

D

wrong about the martini. dry, not dirty, is the manly version. you want your rocket fuel to burn clean. and don't order a gin martini with a twist - if you want to look sophisticated order a vodka martini UP with a twist.

D

October 29. 2007 19:55

me2

manliest drink is pussy squirt -- hands down

me2

October 30. 2007 07:23

Sam

What about american beers like budwiser and coos they gotta be pretty womanly ....

Sam

November 1. 2007 08:08

Brian

Just a small point. A buddy of mine drinks Alabama Slammers. A month or two ago he drank a thirty pack of beer, six slammers and drove home on his Harly without a problem. (Over like 12 hours of course.) He has more tatoo's that you have pubic hairs. (A lot more, far more than the two my statement implies he has.)

Brian

November 4. 2007 02:20

soph

hahah I read this, and the manly drinks section and i have to say... if your so bothered about your DRINK showing off you might be 'gay' or whatever then you really have some issues... its a drink for gods sake!

Besides, all english girls know what real men drink ale... not this pansy 'spirit and a mixer' crap Tong

soph

November 4. 2007 08:34

Michael

This is stupid, the author is obviously a closeted homosexual.

Michael

November 5. 2007 19:15

Amber

The gay bathroom joke was the only one that pissed me off. Do you really think all gay men come out of restrooms with dick-breath? That's only the politicians.

Amber

November 7. 2007 17:06

Lyle

Simplified guideline for bar drinks. If it isn't clear or brown it must be flammable. Clear or brown AND flammable is best.

Lyle

November 8. 2007 10:27

Adam

Seriously, the Margarita? Anything with tequila is automatically not a chic drink. And you forgot possibly the greatest abomination to the drinking culture that of course chics can't guzzle enough of: Corrona. Also, Bud Light should get an honorable mention considering the only reason bitches drink it is because of name recognition.

Also, only some mixed drinks are for chics. A screwdriver is plenty manly considering it's half vodka.

Adam

December 5. 2007 08:08

Top 10 Ugliest Christmas Sweaters — Campus Squeeze

[...] “Deck the hall with balls…” - stop right there, this guy doesn’t have any if he was talked into wearing a ho ho horrible sweater like this. Keep drinking your Cosmo… [...]

Top 10 Ugliest Christmas Sweaters — Campus Squeeze