17 of the Greatest Sex Acts That (Probably) Never Happened

The sexual euphemism has become an American tradition.  We all know them, we all say them, and a good deal of us actually perform a few basic moves from time to time.  However, the sex acts have been getting crazier and crazier these days, to the point that many could never happen in a million years.  Here is a list of the 17 greatest sex acts that are the ultra unlikely to have ever occurred.  Enjoy!


17.  Dog in a Bathtub

Attempting to insert your nuts into a girl’s anus. Named so because it’s as hard as keeping a dog in a bathtub while giving it a bath.


16.  Blumpkin

The delicately balanced art of getting oral while taking a dump.  This one cost Howard Stern his job with Clear Channel just by mentioning it.  Have explosive diarrhea?  Perfect!  That is then called the Rumbleblumpkin.


15.  Cleveland Steamer

A sexual act by nature (fetish) the Cleveland steamer is when one person craps on another person's chest and (very important) then sits down and rocks back and forth like a steam roller.
Turn into a chili dog by defecating on a females chest and proceeding to makes love to her breasts.  Mmm Mmm Good.

14.  The Emeril

Have sex with a girl from behind. When your about to go, pull out, and catch it into your hand. Wait until she turns around, then throw it in her face while yelling "Bam!"



13.  Arabian Death Mask

The girl is laying down on her back, you squat over her head, then you put your left and right nut on the girl's right and left eye (respectively) and your rear on her mouth and FART.  It's a killer.



12.  Alabama Hot Pocket

The art of separating the vagina lips and taking a dump inside.  Possibly having sex with it?  That would turn it into a "Rusty Nail" or a "Dirty Piston", which ever name you choose.  You would be a fool not to.


11.  Alexander Graham Bell

One chick gives you oral while her friend puts her ear up to your junk. The first chick talks while giving oral. The second listens in.  To put on mute you cram your  manhood inside the girl's ear so she can't hear anything.



10.  Glass Bottom Boat

Start by putting Saran Wrap over her face and then drop a deuce directly on the Saran Wrap.  Should feel like warm brownies, delicious!


9.  Lawn Mower

Insert anal beads into your girlfriend. Assure that they will be removed gently, then yank them out as if you were starting a lawn mower.



8.  Ray Bans a.k.a. Arabian Sunglasses

Put your nuts over her eye sockets while receiving oral. Your can is on her forehead. Real tricky move to maneuver.


7.  Doo Wop Gold

While having sex with a woman from behind, ejaculate, catch it and proceed to style her hair with it to make a 50's style twirl.  Then pee on her head.


6.  Texas Rodeo

You start this by having at least a half-dozen friends hide in the room while having sex with a girl. Then have all of them come out and chant, "Rodeo! Rodeo!" See how long you can stay on.


5.  Angry Pirate

When a woman is giving a man oral, he pulls out, and ejaculates in her eye. Upon doing this, she will let out some sort of grunt of disapproval, and at this point he kicks her in the shin. This poor girl, being pissed and hurt, will hobble after your laughing ass.


4.  The Balcony Bandit aka. The Houdini aka. The David Copperfield

While having sex with a girl from behind on a balcony slowly slide out and let your friend or any random hobo slide in and run down to below the balcony and wave to her. By the time she notices, she is having some hobo's junk all up in her.


3.  The Grapevine

Grow a large patch of hair around your butt and take a bunch of laxatives, then dump for a week but don't wipe. This will leave your anus with a nice patch of dingle berries. When you're doing her from behind, pull them off and feed them to her like grapes.



2.  Burning Amazon aka. The Firefighter

Have sex with someone who neglects to shave their privates and keep a lighter at hand during the course of sex. In the seconds preceding climax, set your partner's pubic hair on fire. Pull out exactly at the moment of ejaculation and, if necessary, aim in the direction of the illuminated area.


1.  The Superman

Made famous by Soulja Boy (Superman that Ho!), it is when a male does a female (ho) in the butt and pulls out in time to go on her back. Then the unsuspecting ho roll's over and falls asleep on her stomach. The next morning the sheets will be stuck to her back like superman's cape.  Very technical one to pull off, but worth the effort.

There are thousands more, so if you have any, feel free to comment below.  These are just our little list of the most unlikely (but super awesome) sex moves ever thought up.

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April 3. 2008 14:14


The houdini as I heard it: While in the doggystyle position pull out, and quietly dribble spit on her back, and then when she turns around ejaculate in her face.

The Danny Glover: wipe poo all over the girls face (many ways for this), creating black face, then she says "I'm getting too old for this shit".

The Trainwreck: Girl on top, she goes up too high, he falls out, she comes back down too hard and bends the penis at an angle making it look like a derailed train, or a jackknifed tractor trailer.

Gertrude qa