We did a part 1 of this a few months ago, but quickly realized there are plenty more annoying celebrities who need destruction.
Tom Cruise:
Annoyingness level:
Hardcore High
Strengths:
1.) Small stature allows for quick maneuvering
2.) Frequently works out to look good shirtless in his many bad movies
Weaknesses:
1.) Pitiful devotion to scientology
2.) Probably on verge of self-destruction due to frequent “snubbing” by Academy.
How to destroy him:
Draw attention to yourself by openly advocating how Scientology has helped save you from the following real problems: drug addiction, clinical depression, bi-polar disorder, and post-partum depression (females only). Get yourself on Oprah. When Tom Cruise inevitably sees the opportunity to promote himself/his ”religion,” he will come to you. Tell the world on-air that you and Tom Cruise will demonstrate the power of Scientology live, on NBC, one week from today. When the time comes, stab Tom Cruise in the stomach. As he lies on the ground in a puddle of shock, agony, and his own blood, say “Tom Cruise will now show how Scientology can teach a person to overcome a mortal wound!” Smile to yourself as he wonders if “They covered this” at Scientology camp.
Bill O’Reilly:
Annoyingness level:
Absurdly High
Strengths:
1.) “Fightin’! spirit
2.) Drunken Irishman
3.) Occasionally backs up opinion with fact
Weaknesses:
1.) Excessive hubris
2.) Inability to accept the opinions of others
3.) Hilarious level of hypocrisy (google O’Reilly sex scandal)
How to destroy him: This works best for males. Forge DNA tests to show that you are somehow his illegitimate son. When his shock wears off, take off your coat to reveal that your 50 Cent shirt is plastered with “Vote for Hillary!” buttons. Tell him you’re sorry that you have to cut your visit short, but you’re late for dance lessons, and then you have to head to your weekly meeting with your friends at GLAAD. This will be pretty hands off, because Ol’ Bill will throw himself onto a pile of knives.
The cast of The Hills:
Annoyingness level:
Ridiculously high
Strengths:
None
Weaknesses:
1.) Illiteracy
2.) have reached levels of greed and vanity previously thought unattainable,
3.) despite being only moderately attractive, and providing no benefit to mankind, they manage to be worshipped by countless girls (of all ages)
4.) Famous for no discernible reason
How to destroy them:
Go to a swanky club in L.A. and pretend to be rich/famous. It doesn't matter what you look like. Just keep pretending. When they come near you for some glamour shots in a sad attempt to boost their 15 minutes (which, God willing, will be over soon) tell them the "after party" is at your place. The after party is really a swamp. Tell them to put on these new lead filled life preservers. Then tell them to jump into the swamp because "It's like the coolest thing you can do in Europe, like." In yet another mind bogglingly sad attempt to be "cool", the girls will drown. And everyone is happy.