In the obese world that we live in, weight loss is the number one New Year’s Resolution – yet we are all still a bunch of heifers. Let’s just live up to the reputation we have with the rest of the world, as greedy American pigs. Think basic, think lazy, think of some resolutions that you might actually follow through with.
Just put it on my tab. Do you really need to buy all of your friends dinner at that expensive restaurant just so you can look generous? Aren’t they the ones with law degrees and doctorates? Did you forget that the last three credit cards you maxed out haven’t paid themselves off yet? Let them buy you a drink or two for once, and go home with you bank account intact.
Bill collectors calling you? Talk to them! Here’s a grand idea, stop boozing it and pay off some debt. Start with your heat bill and your friends may just come over to visit.
You were drunk, you didn’t mean to slap your bosses ass. Maybe it’s time to cut back on the ol’ spot a whiskey. The advantage of cutting back on your alcohol intake is that you will lose the “beer pouch” (cough, cough…girls) as well.
It’s minus 10 degrees, but that cigarette tastes so damn good! If your friends love you, they will put up with a few cranky moments if it means you’ll stop smelling like armpits and ashtrays. Quit!
Roll over, good boy! Learn a trick this holiday season; take up yoga, a cooking class, try your hand at carpentry, learn how to change a tire, join a cult… just a suggestion.
I wonder what happens to the family after their house burns down? Volunteer programs like the Red Cross work locally, nationally, and internationally to aide in disaster relief. Stop sitting on you ass and watching the news – volunteer to be of service one or two days a week and help out some people in need. Or don’t and continue on the self righteous track you’re on.
Bart, can you straighten those soup cans? It is time to move up in the world. If you are over the age of twenty and still collecting carts, maybe now is a good time to search for a more lucrative career. Throw your hat in the ring for the cashier position, or get ambitious and try out for manager! Remember, even a small promotion is still a promotion.