People are generally awful. For that, we dedicate one post a week to a situation that enables people to be obnoxious. The best part? These annoying people are universal: they appear in this situation hundreds of times over all across America. If you can't understand why a certain person is on this list, bad news; that's you.
This week: People at the movies.
14.) The Person That Kicks Your Chair
"I can't reach his seat...I'll find a way."
Nothing like the rhythmic tapping from some idiot behind you as you try to pay attention. Is the movie getting more intense? So is the kicking.
13.) The Person Who Talks
Let's continue this conversation when the movie begins.
This movie just isn't interesting enough! Either that, or no movie could ever possibly be as interesting as the Person Who Talks! Who knows what the conversation is about. It doesn't really matter though, because the fact is, THEY'RE TALKING DURING THE MOVIE YOU PAID $12 TO SEE.
12.) Person That Is Alone
Good movie, right? What do you think, weirdo?
The movie theatre is a social place. It's different than watching a movie alone at home, that's cool. With that in mind, there's something awkward about the Person That Is Alone. Also, why do they have one hand in their trench coat? Lastly, this person is never at a really well-attended movie. Say you went to see a movie after its been out for a while with some friends, this person is alone in the corner.
11.) Couple That Makes Out
Aww, isn't that cute? This couple is so devastatingly in love that not even a 2-hour film can keep them apart. Hey, it's not like they're MAKING you watch, but it's just so hard to look away!
10.) The Person That Chooses The Seat Uncomfortably Close To You
"Is this seat taken?"
Sure, the theatre seats 250, and approximately 190 of those seats are unoccupied. But why pick one of THOSE seats when this person could just as easily sit uncomfortably close to you. It gets lonely over there.
9.) World's Tallest Person Can Only Sit Directly In Front Of You
See? There's always a better solution.
If you're unlucky enough to sit in one of those non-theatre style auditoriums for the movie, then this world-record holder for height will automatically choose the seat in front of you, ensuring a spine-bending movie watching experience.
8.) Person Who Turns The Movie Into A 5-Course-Meal
"Where the hell did my bucket of soda go?"
The sounds of them jamming popcorn into their gullet is bad enough, but when they finish licking their fat fingers, it's time to unwrap a Kit-Kat, some Goobers, Gummi Bears, Twizzlers etc.
7.) People Who Dress Like The Characters
The ladies will love this tunic. I made it myself.
Don't be ashamed if you love Star Wars or Lord Of The Rings. DO be ashamed if you can't go to the theatre without your Darth Vader costume, complete with plastic Lightsaber and breathing sound effects.
6.) The Person That Has "Friends Coming Soon"
"You can sit anywhere except these 600 seats."
They don't give a shit that the theatre's full. They have friends coming soon, so the next 34 seats are occupied, as designated by laying one jacket across 3 seats.
5.) Person Who Warns You Of Upcoming Parts
The movie is starting to get intense. You're on the edge of your seat, anticipating something big. "Oh watch this part! It's SOOO scary when he gets killed! Don't worry though, they only make you THINK he's dead until the end." Oh, awesome. You owe me my money back, and I owe you a punch in the dick.
4.) The Small Children
Kids don't sit still for long, no matter what movie they're watching. YOU, on the other hand, are tired, possibly fat, and just want to lean back and enjoy a movie. You're not allowed to, though, because little kids are running down the aisles, looking over seats, or crying.
3.) The Boisterous Laugher
"Uh, we left the theatre an hour ago..."
Everyone loves a good comedy. If it makes you laugh hard, that's fine too. But there's always someone who was SOOOO tickled by that joke that they continue their laughter well beyond the acceptable time-table of laughter response.
2.) The Cell Phone User
At least The Person Who Talks has the decency to talk to someone who is actually INSIDE the theatre. The Cell Phone User is so self-important that he/she needs to talk to someone who ISN'T EVEN THERE. The thing about The Cell Phone user is their flawed logic: "Since I answered the phone, I might as well speak to this person like I'm NOT at a movie."
1.) The Person That Brings Their Toddler(s) To R-Rated Movies
Awesome, but probably not for kids.
Here comes Hannibal Lecter, and YES, he is going to eat someone's face. That's what Hannibal Lecter does. He eats faces. You don't see that type of behavior in Toy Story or various other children's movies, which are generally regarded as much more kid-friendly, with almost ZERO murderous violence. And yet, people will bring their children to R-rated movies.