People are generally awful.  For that, we dedicate one post a week to a situation that enables people to be obnoxious.  The best part?  These annoying people are universal: they appear in this situation hundreds of times over all across America.  If you can't understand why a certain person is on this list, bad news; that's you.

Today we tackle: The Worst Drivers On The Road

18.)  The Person That Doesn't Know How A Stop Sign Works

SOMEONE was wrong here.

If you arrive a stop sign at the same time as another person, the car on the right has the right of way.  How many morons DON'T know this?  They always creep up, slam on the brakes, you slam on yours, they slam on theirs, creep up, slam on their brakes again, until you finally floor it in a rage. 

 

17.)  The Person With Their Blinker On

This isn't immediately dangerous, but it's insanely annoying.  These morons go for miles without realizing they're telling hundreds of people they want to turn when in reality, they're just dumb.  They're equally as bad as the moron who doesn't put their turn signal on at all.

 

16.)  The Person Looking For Something On The Side Of The Road

Ok, you found the house...mind getting out of the fuckin way?

You've noticed the idiot in front of you has slowed down quite a bit.  And they're veering off to the side of the road.  They won't signal.  Oh look!  They found what they were looking for, and all it took was you punching your steering wheel until your knuckles bled.

 

15.)  The Person That Drives A Hummer

There's something about the Hummer that screams "douchebag."  What is it?  Is it the unnecessarily large size?  The way it drinks gas the same way Britney Spears downs meth?  Whenever you make fun of Hummer drivers everyone is always all like "You're just jealous LOL!!!1"  But guess what.  We're not.  Hummers are pointless unless you're in the military.  We guarantee that when you see a Hummer on the road you say something along the lines of "Look at THIS asshole." 

 

14.)  The Person That Blasts Music

Is this enough sub-woofers or...?

They are listening to music, and now it's time for YOU to listen to music.  Often, it just sounds like rattling because the bass is all the way up, and treble button has been welded on 0.  The most important thing to remember is that they aren't listening to GOOD music.  It's always something terrible, like Chingy or the Jonas Brothers. 

 

13.)  The Weaver

Who knows what this person has in their system...is it the elicit drugs?  The alcohol?  The need for speed?  The being retarded?  It doesn't really matter, you just need to avoid this worthless driver at all costs.  Because if you don't, you're injured or dead.

 

12.)  The Motorcycle Daredevil

You know that scene in The Matrix: Reloaded when Trinity is weaving in and out of traffic trying to get away from those dudes in white?  That's this person's life EVERY DAY.  They're always being chased by dudes with white dreadlocks.  And you're in the way.  Look out for his wheelies directly in front of your car, ensuring instant death if he ever falls.

 

11.)  The Bumper Sticker Lover

This person isn't going to kill anyone with their love of bumper ornaments, but it's ridiculous the things they have on their cars.  You're worried about losing your job, but this person wants you to know how important it is that "Babies Must Be Breastfed."  What's it like to worry about a thing like that?  "Dukakis '88."  Really?  Maybe update your car, fella.  It always seems like this person has spent thousands on worthless stickers.

 

10.)  The Hungry Person

We all get hungry.  That's just science, people.  And everyone's eaten while driving.  But there's ALWAYS someone who decides to eat something that isn't a candy bar while driving.  Something ridiculous, like yogurt, or a steak.  If your food requires utensils to be consumed, then you're eating the wrong food.

 

9.)  The Dumb Kids

Oh good, why WOULDN'T you have a photo shoot at 75 mph?

For whatever reason, people who've just started driving and those who've been driving for decades seem to be the worst at it.  Kids are so timid that they're actually DANGEROUS out there.  Hey kid, a green arrow means you have the right of way.  Oh wait, I love missing green lights because you were text messaging your boyfriend.  Nope.  Please pull your dad's Range Rover to the side and let the not-dumbasses get past you.

 

8.)  The Dale Earnhardt

Not you.

This guy watched a bunch of Indy 500's and suddenly they have a thing or two up their sleeve.  Is that guy seriously DRAFTING you?  He is.  He absolutely is.  Don't be surprised if this guy is wearing a Budweiser shirt with the sleeves cut off.

 

7.)  The Person Picking Their Nose

Any deeper and you'll have a seizure.

Look around at a red light.  If you don't see someone picking their nose, then you must be alone. 

 

6.)  The Person Grooming Themselves

Could she have gotten up 5 minutes earlier?  Nope.  That would be retarded, because then she wouldn't be afforded the opportunity of endangering countless lives.  For whatever reason, putting eye make-up on while driving tends to impair one's vision, which is considered an important driving asset.  The guy equivalent is the dumbass who shaves his face in the car.

 

5.)  The Person In A Car That Looks Like It Drove Through Fallujah

You'll only give me $1,100 to take this off your hands?

You can hear it coming for miles.  It isn't like the moron that blasts music loud enough to rattle a seismograph, it's a different sound.  Probably has to do with the rusted transmission, breaks, wheel wells, doors, and everything else.  Things are rattling, there's holes everywhere, plastic bags for windows, flat tires, and probably a caved in roof/blanket stapled to the top.

 

4.)  The Person On Their Cellphone

I'll call you back after I hit this thing.

Lots of states have adopted the "No cellphone while driving law" in response to the number of stupids who can't focus on holding a cell phone and not crashing into shit with their car.  Regardless, people still do it, and you can usually tell.  Hey, did that fella just cut me off?  Oh, he's on a cellphone.  HE MUST BE SO IMPORTANT.

 

3.)  The Person Who Tailgates

Get closer, our cars are merely grazing one another.

Let's say you're in the right hand or middle lane.  The lane to your left is completely clear.  The Person Who Tailgates is either too stupid to notice or loves this lane so much that they refuse to pass you.  It's even better when you're clearly going fast enough to appease this idiot.

 

2.)  The Person Going 12 In The Left Lane

Fuck this lane.

Does it matter to this feather-foot that this is rush-hour, the speed limit is 65, and they're in the passing lane?  It does not.  How did this person not get shot in the face yet? 

 

1.)  The Elderly Driver

Yeah, he was 65.

 Clearly the worst drivers on the planet, the elderly represent driving future: they're you, 30-40 years from now.  The worst part about the elderly is the way they THINK they are driving properly, when in fact they are not.  The world moves fast, and much like their digestive system, these folks are slowing down.  It's completely expected for the elderly to be driving 30 in a 65, hands tight on the wheel, eyes squinting at the road, Glenn Miller Orchestra blaring over the stereo, and the words "Why do these damn youngsters drive so fast!" emitted from their wrinkly lips. 

Common driving mistake: thinking the gas pedal is the break.