This is a list of actors who you see in films and say "Hey, what the hell was that guy in? What's his name again?"
15.) Skeet Ulrich: Give Johnny Depp His DNA Back
It's pretty freaky, actually.
But it sure was nice of Johnny to let you borrow it. People have been talking about this one for years. Too bad you forgot to borrow the "talent" sequence of Johnny's genetic code. Seriously, these two look frighteningly alike. How come they've never been photographed...AT THE SAME TIME?!
14.) Adam Arkin Is Sort Of Like George Clooney Minus Fame
Nice try, Adam.
Adam Arkin made a career out of mooching off of other people. People like his dad, Alan Arkin, you know, the guy who's been nominated for Oscars and won one in 2007. Then he mooched off of George Clooney just by looking like him. This is a fact we noted in our list of the biggest TV rip-offs of all time. Then George Clooney exploded in popularity, and Adam Arkin won a prestigious daytime Emmy. Poor guy.
13.) Frankie Muniz Is Less Adorable Than Haley Joel Osment
How can you deny a 12-year-old in that little tuxedo?
They both acheived popularity during the late 90s. Muniz with Malcolm In The Middle, and Osment with The Sixth Sense. One of them was an international sensation, the other was the Sixth Sense; a universally ejaculation inducing movie that had people filling the theatres for months. And it created a famous movie line the world will never forget: "Ghosts touched my privates." Something like that.
12.) Will Smith Is Not Jamie Foxx
Great smile, though.
We admit it: We love Will Smith. We're not knocking him here, but he just hasn't won an Academy Award like Jamie Foxx has. That isn't to say he's a bad actor by any means, it just means that Will Smith has been nominated, but Jamie Foxx has actually won!
11.) Jamie Foxx Is Not Denzel Washington
That's ok Jamie. You win some, you lose some.
Which leads us to our next point. Jamie Foxx has only one A SINGLE Academy Award. Anyone can do that, sort of. But Denzel has won TWICE. That means he's a notch above Jamie Foxx, and two notches above Will Smith.
10.) David James Elliott Just Isn't David Duchovny
They both enjoyed popular shows in the 90s, but David James Elliott just never achieved the same popularity as David Duchovny. Now, David Duchovny is starring in movies with Halle Berry, enjoying popularity playing a sex-addict in both real life and on Californication, and making the newest X-Files movie no one ever saw. David James Elliott is going to be on a Canadian TV show about the coast guard! So close...
9.) Scott Wolf Sure Looks Like Tom Cruise...
So similiar...I don't know which one to shoot!
But that sure hasn't helped him land a role lately. He was insanely popular when he was on Party Of Five, but now it seems that looking like Tom Cruise's 12-year-old brother isn't all it's cracked up to be. Hey, did you know that Scott Wolf is 40 and Tom Cruise is 46?! Weird.
8.) Richard Masur Wants To Be Donald Sutherland
Look at these fatherly fellows! However, one is way MORE fatherly.
Masur always seems to play the father figure or wise older gentleman in movies. The only problem is, he's never the father figure or wise older gentleman in popular movies. Donald Sutherland gets to be the father in movies like Ordinary People, and Masur has to be the father in movies like Encino Man. Hey, we love Encino Man, but that's not going to help Richard Masur win an Oscar.
7.) Dennis Quaid: A False Harrison Ford
We know why you're smiling, Harrison Ford!
It's weird that a leading actor like Dennis Quaid would make this list. We just figured that while we agree that Quaid is usually the lead actor in most of his movies, none of them have acheived the same popularity and box office success as actors like Harrison Ford. Dennis Quaid plays the "tough but gentle and caring guy" in most of his movies. Usually he's the good guy, like Harrison Ford. But Harrison Ford was in Star Wars, and Dennis Quaid was in Dragonheart. Hardly a comparison.
6.) Steve Guttenberg Is No Bob Saget
Tell him Bob.
In another apparently odd twist of fate, we've chosen Steve Guttenberg as a poor man's actor. You see, Steve Guttenberg is in movies, and Bob Saget is predominantly on television. They're both cheery, nice guys. They'll never be hard-asses, and they always seem to be some sort of father figure.h Still, ask anyone who you'd rather see in a role, and they'll undoubtedly say Bob Saget.
5.) Dan Cook Thinks He Is Steve Martin
One is seeking attention, the other smiles his famous polite "I'm talented" smile.
Another Dane Cook movie comes out today. We made sure to lambaste Cook in our Douchebag Report Card last week. His popularity today is similar to what Steve Martin enjoyed in the 80s, only Steve Martin was enjoyed by everyone, not just frat guys and 14 year old girls. Also, he made funny movies. ¡Three Amigos! and The Jerk, for example. But then Dane Cook comes out with garbage like Employee of the Month, Good Luck Chuck, and My Best Friend's Girl. Let's hope this surge of cinema ends soon, so that we can expect Dane Cook to be begging for 10 minutes at an airport hotel open mic soon. We understand they won't be competing for roles like the others, we just needed to get this off our chest.
4.) Dan Hedaya Wants To Be Joe Pesci
Should we rent Goodfellas or Dick? Choices, choices...
Dan Hedaya! Now that's a big name poor man's actor. Dan Hedaya gained prominence with the Coen Brother's first film, Blood Simple. He always seems to play a short tough guy, usually with a New York background. Unfortunately, he just isn't as bad ass as guys like Joe Pesci.
3.) Chazz Palminteri Is Close To Being De Niro--But Not Quite
De Niro's probably pointing to his numerous accolades.
Another Italian guy from New York, Chazz Palminteri has been nominated for an Academy Award. However, he just isn't Robert De Niro or James Gandolfini.
2.) Joe Estevez Wants To Be Someone Else From His Family Besides Himself
Family holiday dinners must be awkward. "So Joe, did you make another straight-to-DVD this year or...?"
If you looked at t his one and said "Hey now, I think that Joe Estevez is talented..." Then you're one of two people: (1) An insanely intense movie buff, or (2) Joe Estevez. Joe Estevez is Martin Sheen's anonymous younger brother. He's Charlie Sheen and Emilio Estevez's uncle, meaning that he's even less famous than Emilio Estevez, a man who a generation of kids know best best for being a hockey coach in the Mighty Ducks movies. Some might recognize Emilio from The Breakfast Club and St. Elmo's Fire. But the point is, Joe Estevez is a poor man's version of his own family members.
1.) Ron Eldard Is Whoever You Need Him To Be
Whose face is under there?! Oh right, anyone.
Ron Eldard is the quintessential "Hey, what the hell movie was that guy in?," guy. If one of your friends answers with "All of them," then he's pretty much correct. Seriously, being in as many high profile movies with big name stars as this guy has, and still managing to remain anonymous is more difficult than winning an Oscar. Let's run down his movie list: Sleepers; Armageddon; Deep Impact; Mystery, Alaska; Black Hawk Down; House Of Sand And Fog, and on TV shows like ER and Men Behaving Badly. So yes, he's been in seriously popular movies, but never managed to capture the spotlight. Maybe someday, but we hope not. It's funnier this way.