The race for the Presidency is always hilarious. It goes on for months, the candidates make sad attempts at coolness by appearing on Saturday Night Live, you hear speech after speech and watch debate after debate, only to end up moving to Canada. And since we know so much about the candidates who have a legitimate shot at victory, we thought it would be fun to talk about the little guy (not Dennis Kucinich). We're talking about the guy with a few hundred dollars and time to sign up as a write-in candidate. Here are our favorite candidates who never had a chance.
Leonard Peltier
Year of Candidacy:
2004
Party Affiliation:
Peace and Freedom Party
Running Mate:
Janice Jordan
Why he never had a chance:
Probably the most difficult obstacle for Peltier to overcome in regards to getting elected president deals with the fact that he’s currently serving two life terms in prison. He was charged with murdering two FBI agents on the Pine Ridge Indian Reservation. Although many feel he was wrongly accused of the crimes, he is still behind bars. Many agree that it would probably be difficult to run a country while your roommate holds you down and violates you from behind. But who knows, maybe you get special treatment as president in prison.
Votes received in 2004 election:
27,607
Charles Jay
Year of Candidacy:
2004
Party Affiliation:
Personal Choice Party
Running Mate:
Marilyn Chambers
Why he never had a chance:
First, no one knows what the hell the Personal Choice Party is. Their website says “Personal Choice has no official party platform other than personal choice.” Well thank God for that! It’s important that we have the ability to make choices in this country…if only there were more parties dedicated to personal freedom. There really is no platform here because it’s called personal choice. You just join the party and make decisions, and the party says “Alright…good choice. I mean, I wouldn’t personally believe that, but I choose to allow you to make that choice, given the name of the political party with which I’m affiliated.” Jay’s other problem lies in his running mate. She’s a porn star. For whatever reason, people don’t like that. It’s ok if your vice president shoots a man in the face, but it’s absolutely not ok when a man shoots it on your vice president’s face.
Votes received in 2004 election:
946
John Parker
Year of Candidacy:
2004
Party Affiliation:
Workers World Party
Running mate:
Theresa Gutierrez
Why he never had a chance:
The Workers World Party is a Communist party in the United States, and Americans love their capitalism, a fact made obvious during the great Beanie Baby epidemic of 1997 to early 2001. This group is so far left that even lots of leftist groups are like “Whoa…cool it, guys.” This group is the guy in the 80s high school movie that wants to get back at the principal for expelling him, so he tries to break into the guy’s house with some friends, but gets carried away, and his friends are standing there holding the flashlight going “Hey man...maybe this isn’t such a good idea.” And then the crazy guy says coldly; “If you want to leave, leave. I’m stayin’.” And then he breaks into the house and the movie ends. I think that’s a pretty accurate description. The point is, they’re too extreme for America. We Americans like to think our leader is telling us the truth, we don’t want to know he’s insane right off the bat.
Votes received in 2004 election:
1,330
David E. Wyatt
Year(s) of Candidacy:
1980-present
Party Affiliation:
None
Running mate(s):
Unknown
Why he never had a chance:
This guy can never be President. Why? The things on his platform make too much sense. Here are some examples of his platform from his amazing website:
For:
Four-day workweek
Assisted suicide
Reform of the IRS
Marijuana legalization
School-prayer
Against:
Illegal aliens
Welfare abuse
Drug testing in the workplace
Helmet laws
Judicial corruption
I'm down with most of this stuff, but you can't elect a guy who runs the country like that, with his rogue "realistic goals" and fighting "for the people."
Votes received in election:
Unknown
Mike Gravel
Year of Candidacy:
2008
Party Affiliation:
Democrat, then he joined the libertarian party for some reason
Running mate:
Never got that far
Why he never had a chance:
Gravel had a pretty odd political career. He represented Alaska in the U.S. Senate, a tenure that would make other politicians refer to him as a “loose cannon.” During the 2008 campaign, he mostly complained during debates and said “the other candidates frighten me.” The next thing he did made for some awesome youtubing: He created some super weird campaign videos and no one had any idea what the hell they meant. They failed to do the one thing political commercials are supposed to do: lure us into a false sense of security, and then destroy our dreams upon election.
Check this indie-movie-esque campaign video Gravel made, probably when he was on shrooms.