Video game characters are famous for their awesome abilities in their respective universes. But can you imagine how much they would dominate in professional football? Here's some retro video game characters who would end up in the hall of fame if they could play America's favorite sport.
QB Candidates: Mega Man, Hammer Brothers
Mega Man (Mega Man):
Why He Would Be A Good Candidate:
The man has a cannon strapped to his arm, and he's notoriously accurate with it. Imagine this; his receivers are all covered, he would need a perfect pass to thread the needle. But wait, no needle threading required: he just fired a football through the cornerback's chest. Touchdown.
Weaknesses:
Could potentially be sidelined if anyone from the opposing team brings fire to the game.
Hammer Brother (Super Mario Bros):
Why He Would Be A Good Candidate:
Remember how this character would fuck up your day? You're just walking around, being Mario, and then this turtle throws a heavy hammer at you with surprising power and accuracy. Now, switch those hammers with a football and you've got a touchdown throwing machine.
Weaknesses:
Possibly easy to sack if your defense can jump onto their back.
RB Candidates: Sonic The Hedgehog, Crash Bandicoot, Pac-Man
Sonic The Hedgehog (Sonic The Hedgehog):
Why He Would Be A Good Candidate:
Sonic would be an outstanding runningback due to his speed and running style. His low crouch and ability to spin make him nearly impossible to stop if he got any open space to run.
Weaknesses:
To stop Sonic, one would have to be brave enough to lie down like a giant brick wall in his lane, allowing him to damage your internal organs. But once you found someone dumb enough to do that, Sonic becomes less invincible.
Crash Bandicoot (Crash Bandicoot):
Why He Would Be A Good Candidate:
Crash's mother's milk is his ability to run without tiring. He can leap over large pits and other obstacles, and spin at an alarmingly fast rate of speed, suggesting that he would be outstanding at avoiding blockers. His physical strength is exceptional, evident in his ability to completely destroy wooden crates just by running into them.
Weaknesses:
His abilities could be shut down by a large defender impervious to his famous spin move.
Pac-Man (Pac-Man):
Why He Would Be A Good Candidate:
He's constantly moving. Just hand that ball directly into his mouth and he'll be on his way to a fumble-free carry.
Weaknesses:
Pac-Man is a one-touch-and-I'm-dead character, so your blockers would have to do a fantastic job up front. Otherwise, he'd be stopped dead in his tracks.
FB: Jax, Blanka
Jax (Mortal Kombat II):
Why He Would Be A Good Candidate:
The man is gigantic. Not only is his body pure muscle, but he's a combat veteran in the American special forces and his arms are made of metal.
Weaknesses:
Might have difficulty playing in extreme weather due to his bionic arms which may react poorly.
Blanka (Street Fighter):
Why He Would Be A Good Candidate:
He's physically powerful and has incredible core-strength. You'll also notice that he's always bent over, giving him a low center of gravity, indicating he would be nearly impossible to knock over. His strange non-sensical growls would be a great way to intimidate your opponents.
Weaknesses:
Blanka is good at forward attacks, but he's pretty slow side-to-side. He may have trouble juking. His best bet is to lower his shoulder and plow through a defender.
WR: Toad, Rash And Zitz, Dhalsim, Scorpion
Toad (Super Mario Bros):
Why He Would Be A Good Candidate:
Toad is surprisingly fast and agile. He would be able to dodge and get past defenders.
Weaknesses:
His small stature might make him easy to take down upon a completion. Also, if a defender can keep up with him, they will have a height advantage, giving them the chance to intercept a pass.
Rash and Zitz (Battletoads):
Why They Would Be A Good Candidate:
One of the key factors in defeating enemies was to use the characters' hands, which could grow into a number of shapes. Now put that hand on the field and watch it catch footballs with ease.
Weaknesses:
That game was so friggin' hard because of all the one-touch kills that could end your character. One hard hit and they'd be sidelined.
Dhalsim (Street Fighter):
Why He Would Be A Good Candidate:
Dhalsim is awesomely magical. Not only would he be able to levitate over cornerbacks and safety's, but his arms stretch really far, allowing him to pick a ball out of the air before it even gets close to the ground. On goal-line plays he could run into the endzone and take the ball from the quarterback, resulting in an instant touchdown.
Weaknesses:
He's pretty skinny around the mid-section. A hard hit could sideline him for weeks.
Scorpion (Mortal Kombat):
Why He Would Be A Good Candidate:
He would be able to take any hit an opponent could throw at him, seeing as how he's undead and all. And don't forget his signature spear throw. Throw a football anywhere near this guy, and you'll hear a bellowing "Get over here!" followed by him carrying a deflated football with a spear through it into the end zone.
Weaknesses:
He was murdered by Sub-Zero, so don't expect him to perform well in Green Bay, Buffalo, or New England during the winter.
Offensive Line: Bowser, Donkey Kong, E. Honda
Bowser (Super Mario Bros):
Why He Would Be A Good Candidate:
He is clearly much larger than the other characters in the Mario Brothers universe. He can breathe fire, which indicate he's got some dragon in him, and he has a shell, which means he's got turtle in him, and he just has spikes growing out of him for some reason, leading us to picture an animal orgy that would make even the most seasoned Discovery Channel cameraman blush. All of those characteristics add up to strength and toughness. He could make a great gap for his runningback to find, and protect his quarterback from numerous defenders.
Weaknesses:
Lava.
Donkey Kong (Donkey Kong Country):
Why He Would Be A Good Candidate:
He's a big powerful ape. Ape's are regarded as being around as strong as 10 men. But 10 really strong men, not 10 pussies. With that in mind, watch someone try to get past Donkey Kong.
Weaknesses:
Tradition and Hollywood have shown us that while intelligent, giant apes are sweet hearted and only attack when provoked. Toss in a hot girl and you've got a docile beast.
E. Honda (Street Fighter):
Why He Would Be A Good Candidate:
He's a trained sumo wrestler, meaning the guy pushes people around for a living. Try making a defensive play when he lays the hundred hand slap on your face. Getting past E. Honda would be an unbelievable feat in itself and if one were to do that, continue running, because if he jumps on you, it's curtains.
Weaknesses:
He's so fat that his abilities would probably deteriorate quickly. In Street Fighter, he only fought for a few minutes at a time. During 4 15-minute quarters, he'd be seriously winded.
Defensive End: Gorilla, Chief Thunder
George the Ape (Rampage):
Why He Would Be A Good Candidate:
He's a big ass ape with a ton of strength. He has the ability to tear down entire cities with little to no effort required. With that in mind, this guy would be able to crush anything in his way. Come to think of it, you might want to keep your own players out of his way.
Weaknesses:
Military weaponry.
Chief Thunder (Killer Instinct):
Why He Would Be A Good Candidate:
Chief Thunder is a big angry dude. Killer Instinct claims that he's 6'2" and 280lbs., which is ridiculous. He's built like man-hole cover. He'd be inducing concussions big time.
Weaknesses:
Probably at-risk for some unfortunate racism due to his status as a Native American.
Linebacker: Zangief, Jack
Zangief (Street Fighter):
Why He Would Be A Good Candidate:
He's gigantic and made purely of muscle. Runningbacks would have a difficult time getting past this mountainous defender, even if they lowered their shoulders, Zangief would truck the shit out of them. One hit from him could result in a crushed sternum for sure.
Weaknesses:
He's really slow, meaning a good juke could result in him missing his target completely.
Gun Jack (Tekken Tag):
Why He Would Be A Good Candidate:
His upper body strength is unbelievable. He would be able to easily tackle any runningbacks or receivers.
Weaknesses:
He is powerful but very slow. If the ball carrier can stay away from him they might have a shot.
Punter: Birdo
Birdo (Super Mario):
Why He/She? Would Be A Good Candidate:
Birdo is always shooting eggs and fireballs out of its weird cannon-like snout. Load that snout up with a football, and it's going a long way down the field.
Weaknesses:
Easily defeated by a number of defenses. Don't expect Birdo to be the toughest person on the field, but as punter, what does it matter anyway?
Kicker: Liu Kang
Liu Kang (Mortal Kombat):
Why He Would Be A Good Candidate:
He's renown for his amazing kicking abilities. Even possessing the ability to fly across the screen kicking his enemy in the face multiple times. Put a football in his hands, and you've got touchbacks and 70 yard field goals all day.
Weaknesses:
Since he's such an unbelievable martial artist, make sure you get him off the field after he kicks, otherwise he'd probably incur some serious unsportsmanlike penalties for fucking up anybody who looked at him the wrong way.