Sex and the City is an aphrodisiac for women. It's important for guys to watch it with their girlfriends if they want to get laid--given that they have the power to keep from falling asleep/faking dysentery to leave the room. The show hit the big screen last week to a ridiculously enormous reception. We decided to find out more about the movie, and learned that there were some script ideas that didn't quite make the cut.
Sex and the City...with Ninjas
Everyone thinks this is going to be a run of the mill Sex and the City film, with all the weird clothing, purchasing of shoes, and sushi eating you can handle. Then we learn that for some reason, each of the girls was trained in martial arts and has become a Ninja. Each character is trained in martial arts. The rest of the movie is them throwing Ninja stars at people and fighting evil. Their arch nemesis is Angelina Jolie, who HATES clothing and refuses to wear it for some reason.
Sex and the City...with Zombies
The girls are all out shopping for shoes or something else ridiculous, talking about sex and how amazing their lives are. They stop at a sushi bar to talk more about sex when a report comes on the TV describing that many people have been infected with a “mystery virus.” The group dismisses the report, not because they have fully analyzed the threat, but because they don’t comprehend the “big words and moving pictures so good.” After their insanely lavish day, they return home. The next morning, they find that zombies have overrun the city. Stupidly, they all go out of their apartments and into the danger zone, only to be devoured immediately. With them out of the way, the movie follows a group of survivors with Matt Damon as the leader. He carries a samurai sword that he uses to hack his way through New York City. After killing around a thousand of the undead, he reaches a boat and heads for freedom.
Sex and the Shia LaBeouf
The movie starts off pretty simple: the girls are talking shoes and sex at their favorite sushi restaurant. After much hysterical laughter and feigned shock at various graphic sexual descriptions, Shia LaBeouf inexplicably arrives and vaguely explains how he is somehow connected with the characters. He convinces them to travel to the future, where the world has been destroyed by something powerful. He says things like “The future belongs to you now,” and “I would do this myself, but I’m just a kid, ya know?” because he is both dramatic and hilarious. Then, the five-some travels back in time to stop the menace that destroys the future. The end reveals that LaBeouf is their grandfather but also somehow their grandchildren, since it is impossible for him to be in a movie without trite dialogue and ill-conceived plot twists.
Sex and the City...with Massive Debt
The film opens on a sparsely attended funeral, which tells us immediately that someone has died, although we don’t know whom. After a few minutes, we cut to the four girls who are far away from the funeral. They are talking about sex, shoes, and are eating sushi. Somehow, after one of them says something about sex, they all laugh hysterically even though after countless anonymous partners, you’d think nothing could shock them. Upon returning home, Sarah Jessica Parker’s character, Carrie Bradshaw, finds a group of re-po men in her apartment. Apparently, her thoughtless spending and lavish lifestyle severely exceeded her income, plunging her into massive debt. She owes the government nearly $4,000,000; an amount she could not dream of repaying. Immediately, the girls band together to help their dumb friend by doing what they do best: having sex with things. They create their own brothel, inviting only the richest of men to pay for sex. Things seem to be going well, although Carrie has relatively few customers due to her uncanny resemblance to a horse. One of the characters, who we only will refer to as “The old one,” is not fooling anybody, and no one will bang her either. With a compounding debt and the deadline to pay it imminent, the girls realize they have failed. They concede to their failure and commit a very graphic group suicide. To save money, they are all a buried in the same coffin, and we see the funeral from the beginning of the film. With that awesome plot twist, the audiences minds are totally blown. The phrase “BOO-YAH” appears on screen.
