The Beginner's Guide to Drinking (by Gender)

At some point, you have to start drinking.  The reasons for drinking are different, but utterly connected:  You start drinking because you have a ton of friends and they all want to drink to have fun, or you have no friends and drink alone in your basement when you're watching Battlestar Galactica.  Either way, drinking enhances the experience.  Alcohol is the most universal substance on the planet.  Each country has perfected and selected their favorite type, and people of every social standing drink it.  Rich people drink it in the jacuzzi's of their private hot air balloons, and bums drink it to chase the fiendish squirrel astronauts out of their brains.  Let's start Campus Squeeze's Alcohol Appreciation month off right by discussing a relatively comprehensive guide to drinking for the beginning student.

First things first, what should I drink?

Good question.  What should you drink?  Let's look at your drinking experience.  Is this your first time?  If you answered yes, you should probably steer clear of mixed drinks.  Especially if they're sweet and fruity.  If what you're drinking is sweet and fruity, it for some reason will have an absurd amount of alcohol in it.  A very popular (and cost effective) college drink is jungle juice.  When made the proper way, jungle juice can take life away from the living, and give it back to the dead.  The Brazilian navy uses it as air-craft carrier fuel.  Drink very little of it.  Unfortunately for you, you will be unable to stop yourself, and throw up the color red for hours.  It will be hilarious.  If you pass out and do not throw up, you're dead.  

You should probably try drinking beer.  Most people hate beer when they start drinking.  The taste is definitely acquired.  It's good that beginning drinkers don't like beer, because they can gauge how much alcohol they are ingesting.

Overview:  DO drink beer.  DON'T drink jungle juice. 




Males:  Guys, you are prohibited from drinking nearly every drink described on Sex and the City.

Girls:  You are allowed to drink anything you want.  


How much of what I am drinking, should I drink?


The age-old dilemma.  This depends on many factors, most of which we have conveniently listed below.

How this works:  Take each factor that applies to you, and add it all up.  Also, you're free to drink whatever you choose, unless otherwise specified. 

-Looking to have fun after:

Good week: 4 drinks 

Bad week:  6 drinks  

Cold winter week:  2 shots, whiskey 

Hot summer week:  4 drinks, something Mexican 


On medication...0 drinks

Off medication...6-10 drinks  

-Recently got out of long-term relationship...2 drinks

-Recently got out of long-term relationship with attractive person...3 drinks

-Recently got out of long-term relationship with attractive person who cheated on you:

with less attractive person...1 drink

MORE attractive...3 drinks

with your sibling...3 drinks, 2 shots, 1 bong hit

-Getting fired from the job:

You loved: 9 drinks

You hated: 15 drinks

for having sex on your desk: 5 drinks (with partner)

-After the death of:

Someone old: 6 drinks

Someone young: 8 drinks

Someone you hated: 4 drinks

Someone you loved: 15 drinks

Someone you murdered:  15+ drinks, liquor 



What should I expect of my drunkenness?

Good question.  We will break it up into categories:






Attractive, and skinny:  

1-3 drinks:  Should be all you need to get pretty sauced.  In this range, you will be fun.

4-6 drinks:  You will become very sexual, and dancing will be your only love, although you will be horrible at it.  

7+:  Dancing becomes infrequent.  The first guy that smiles at you will take you home tonight, although the encounter will not be sexual, as you will mess his bathroom with your fruity red vomit.  You will cry about your ex's.

Heavy, unnattractive:  

1-3 drinks:  Will not be enough to get you drunk, although you will certainly act like it.

4-6:  You may become buzzed.  The amount of sarcastic remarks you make towards the guys that hit on your friends will increase. 

7+:  You will be relatively drunk, and start taking your cock-blocking job very seriously.  At this point, it isn't about keeping guys away from your friends, it's about making everyone as miserable as you are.





In a fraternity:  

1-3 drinks (beers):  You better not be drunk, lest you will be dubbed a "faggot" by all the brothers.

4-6:  See above.

7-9:  See above.

10-12:  See above.

12-16: Proclaim your drunkenness.  Multiply amount of drinks you've had by two, and add three.  In this way, you will retain dignity.

17+:  Same as above, but take off shirt.

Regular guy: 

1-3 drinks:  You may be buzzed, but probably not.

4-6:  Well looky here, SOMEONE'S confident with the ladies.

7-9:  Uh oh, you're talking too loudly.  Look at her face...wait, she walked away.

10-12:  Stop.  You're already dru--oops, you fell down.

13+:  You will cry about your ex's. 


 Safety Tips?

  -Generally, don't drink and drive.  UNLESS you're careful.  

-Other than that, drinking has traditionally produced very few negative questions.  Now get to the bar!


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