All's well that ends well. Or does it? In Britney's case, all that starts well, ends in a nasty fall from grace. And she landed on her face, ouch.
Late 1998
Britney Spears's debut single "...Baby One More Time" is released, instantly making her an international success and wet dream for boys age 14-38 across America.
She won four Billboard Music Awards, including Female Artist of the Year and begins to take the plunge into sexy fashion. Go Britney, go!
May 2000
Britney's second album Oops I Did it Again is released. The single of the same name breaks the record for most radio station additions in a single day, and quickly becomes a top ten hit in the U.S. and other countries. She certainly is our all-American girl.
2000 MTV Video Music Awards
Britney causes America's collective jaw to drop (in both
shock and amazement) during her performance when she pulls off the
black business suit she is wearing, revealing a nude colored suit
covered with strategically placed crystals.
November 6th, 2001
Her third album is released and surpasses Michael Jackson's October 30th release Invincible in sales. It has a successful debut at number one in the U.S. by selling 745,744 units during its first week. Critics admit that her voice is maturing and so is her audience, she's even outgrowing her clothes!
2002 MTV Video Music Awards
While performing "I'm a Slave 4 U", she controversially utilized caged animals and danced erotically with a large albino python draped over her shoulders. PETA was all over that one, but Britney is one powerful blonde.
2002, Forbes Magazine
Spears is ranked the world's most powerful celebrity- she is the only female in music history to have her first four studio albums debut at number one. Ultimately, Britney's In the Zone album suffers greatly from her uneasy transition from teen tart to sexually powerful woman.
July 2004
Spears announces her engagement to Kevin Federline, three months after they met. After their wedding, Spears announces on her website she will be taking a career break in order to start a family. At least she had the forethought to bless the world with more pretty babies.
November 2005
Spears releases her first remix album, B in the Mix: The Remixes, but with Britney on maternity leave, the album did not reach the success of her previous albums. It mattered not, Britney was all smiles sporting a pot belly.
September 14, 2005
Britney Spears becomes a mother when she gives birth to her first son, Sean Preston. The child immediately has a mug shot taken in preparation for his future as a career criminal.
February 2006
Photos of Britney driving with her son unrestrained in her lap are releases. A few months later on Letterman, Britney addressed the incident by saying, "I see a bunch of photographers and I’m scared and I want to get out of the situation... They’re coming up on the sides of the car which is a scary situation for me... so I get my baby out of the car and I go home." Hmmm... I seem to recall pictures of a baby dangling wildly from her arms not long after this.
2007 MTV Video Music Awards
Britney attempts to recreate the lust felt for her during her early career performances. The BBC stated that "this performance would go down in the history books as being one of the worst to grace the MTV Awards." Even the other celebrities in attendance could not bear to watch.
September 12, 2006
Britney gives birth to her second son, Jayden James Federline. Britney apparently does not recoup well after her second pregnancy. Boys aged 14-38 have long sinced found new masturbation fantasy women.
November 7th, 2006
Britney Spears and Kevin "K-Fed" Federline file for divorce. News is leaked that Federline is informed of Britney's intent via text message while at a restaurant. Federline immediately asks for a bus-boy application.
February 16th, 2007
Spears checks into an off-shore drug rehabilitation facility in Antigua, an Island in the West Indies for less than 24 hours.
The Very Next Night
Spears goes to a hair salon in Tarzana, California and shavs her hair off with clippers. Can we still love a bald Britney? Sure! But we wont be spankin' it to her anytime soon.
September 18th, 2007
Must have been the smoking, right? Britney loses custody of her children. Is she handing her kid a cigarette? No! She would never do that, she's just blowing it in his face.
Days Later
Britney buys huge sunglasses to conceal face. Everyone is pleased. Her latest album, Blackout, is selling very poorly. Everyone is pleased.
December 2nd, 2007
Britney celebrates her birthday by devouring an entire cake, and adjacent table of onlookers at a restaurant. Well thank God, with her children gone, Britney can go back to partying like a rock star!
January 3rd, 2008
On the one night she gets to spend with her boys, she locks everyone in the bathroom until police kick down the door and are forced to restrain her with body straps. Kevin is going to have to pay for the children's counseling after this.
January 17th, 2008
Britney tries to regain some her femininity... by displaying her fertileness all over town! Is she that cracked out that she doesnt realize there is blood dripping down her leg? Yes.
January 27th, 2008
Britney's family attempts to stage an intervention for the singer. The situation is scrapped when the family realized they had no business staging an intervention in the first place. This photo almost makes me feel bad for her. But then I realized she has just arrived home with her 16 year old, pregnant sister who was trying to give Britney some life advice. Maybe the police are better equipped for this...
January 31st, 2008
Oh, and they are. In a staged intervention, Britney is detained and deemed a 5150 - Crazy person to be shipped off to the psychiatric ward. Goodbye Britney, the media will look forward to your return.
What's in the future for Britney? We have a few theories.
