FIELD GUIDE TO CAMPUS LESBIANS
Men, listen up. On today’s college campus, we are slowly losing out on chances to hook up with women to (gasp!) other women. I don’t get it, you don’t get it, my boss who’s a Jewish carpenter doesn’t get it, and for sure, our fearless leader President Bush doesn’t either. That’s why I have put together this handy guide to lesbians on the typical college campus. Carry this in your back pocket right next to the condom in your wallet and you will never make the embarrassing mistake of asking a real bull dyke out ever again!
The Lesbian Professor
Let’s begin with the most obvious specimen. The Teachicus femynus is that heavy set lady with huge glasses in the front of the classroom reading from the overhead. Sure, she has never yelled at you, but that’s only because you never questioned her authority. Instead, you let her fill you with lies like Molly Pitcher helped win the Revolution for the Americans and that the greatest 20th century president was Eleanor Roosevelt.
Favorite Food: Hummus dip in the teacher’s lounge while sitting by herself
Religious Beliefs: God is a woman, you chauvinists!
Athletic Background: Second-team all conference in Division III field hockey
Favorite Color: Red as the blood shooting from her eyes
Favorite Music: The live Janis Joplin album she actually was in attendance for
Favorite TV Show: Any documentary involving women burning bras
Looks Most Like: Rosie O’Donnell
The Athletic Lesbian
The next category can be difficult to pinpoint. You may see the Runsalot flatchestis hanging out bars with other guys often. This is just a decoy. She only is tying to get tips on her jump shot or sliding technique from them. She does not want them sexually in any fashion. Also, this lesbian has bigger muscles than you, will call you ‘bro’ when you say hi in between classes and has a 40 time comparable to Chad Johnson.
Favorite Food: Whatever the trainer says will help her in wind sprints
Religious Beliefs: Only went to this small Catholic school to get more scholarship money
Athletic Background: Only individual at her high school to letter in five sports, including wrestling, thanks to Title IX
Favorite Color: Bleeds school colors, even during her once-a-year menstruation
Favorite Music: Gary Glitter’s “Rock ‘N’ Roll Part 2”
Favorite TV Show: College Softball World Series
Looks Most Like: Marion Jones
The Activist Lesbian
Want to know why Bush won the ’04 election? Much blame can be placed on the Rallytitus Circlejerkus. It was because most fellow students couldn’t stand that chick with hairy armpits in the back talking about saving the rare Algonquin trees being persecuted by American soldiers in Iraq. Hey, guess what? Shut the fuck up. Seriously. We get it, ok? This kind has also been known to hop on a bus for an 11-hour trip without deodorant only to get arrested in Washington, D.C. for protesting too close to the Library of Congress. Folks, that is what we call democracy…
Favorite Food: Veg* to the point where they treat as a living entity
Religious Beliefs: Probably Buddhist or something hippie like that
Athletic Background: Well-toned shoulders from holding those heavy picket signs
Favorite Color: Earthtones
Favorite Music: Pre Battle of Los Angeles Rage Against The Machine
Favorite TV Show: PBS, with a constant radio stream of Air America
Looks Most Like: That crazy homeless lady who collects plastic bags
The Indie Lesbian
Looking somewhat like an activist, the Hatesmom Lonerus actually could not give a crap about what’s happening in Darfur. Rather, they are focused on finding just the right background on their MySpace page, seeing how tight those black jeans can get and going to see some band at the local YMCA that is being paid six bucks in malt liquor to perform. On the plus side, they probably have the finest vinyl collection on campus, which would be sweet if you had any idea of who the artists were.
Favorite Food: Skinny enough that they probably produce their own food
Religious Beliefs: Yes, Bad Religion is a kick-ass band
Athletic Background: Hahaha…waking up each morning is about the limit
Favorite Color: Black, just like their weird art drawings on their blog
Favorite Music: If there is any justice, hopefully Tegan and Sara while touching their naughty bits
Favorite TV Show: Fuse TV
Looks Most Like: Marilyn Manson with slightly smaller breasts
The Drunk Lesbian
The Phantom clamdiggeris seems like a normal girl. She will invite you to her room after hours to make out. She is a business major, with a focus in finance. Her mother and father are still married and she has a sister. But for some reason, after 8 shots of Captain Morgan, something strange happens. She will see another one of her sorority sisters, and soon all bets are off. Often ripping at each other’s spaghetti straps with passion only seen in a Peter North film, these women are actually attractive to most straight males. Jackpot!
Favorite Food: Whatever tastes good with coconut rum
Religious Beliefs: They just used their tongue! Thank God!
Athletic Background: Loved each soccer team sleepover in high school
Favorite Color: Pink, and it looks like we may see several shades tonight…
Favorite Music: The latest Akon single
Favorite TV Show: (Insert MTV reality show here)
Looks Most Like: Someone who needs to share a bed this evening
So those are the five basic models of lesbians. Some may cross over into several categories, or they may just defy description. That’s ok. Just remember to keep plowing through all the women until you find a winner. Or actually, just keep plowing.