Hey, there are plenty of awesome things about Thanksgiving. Namely, the insane amounts of food you put into your body. It's pretty insane/unhealthy/twice the amount of food the average person in Darfur receives per calendar year. But there are certain things about Thanksgiving that are completely awful.
8.) Cranberry Sauce
What the fuck?
What is this shit? The best part is when it's shaped EXACTLY like the can it came in. And don't try being a cranberry elitist by making your own. It's SUPPOSED to be shaped like a tin can for some reason. Otherwise, you've put too much effort into a disgusting and hilarious food.
7.) Maize
"Hey is that maize? Oh, it's just corn."
It's corn.
6.) The Detroit Lions
That's a lot of gravy, I know.
It is delightful watching them lose every year, though. But why do THEY get all the Thanksgiving glory?
5.) Animal Rights Protestors
"Psst. Did they stop killing turkeys yet?"
Countless turkeys are slaughtered every year in honor of the great Thanksgiving tradition, and these people just can't stand it. Boo-hoo. If turkeys are so great why are they so delicious? You want a bird that's worth your time AND you can't? It's called an eagle.
4.) Family
"Saved a seat for ya..."
Family is clearly the worst. Yes, there are awesome family members, like the Druncle, you know, the guy who is CONSTANTLY pounding Bailey's and talking about 'Nam. But then there's the shitty family members. The super religious one, the successful cousin, the one with a new boyfriend/girlfriend at EVERY holiday gathering. Your parents, whose disappointment in you keeps the holidays depressing and dark. The list goes on and on.
3.) Black Friday
Worth it.
What a horrible day! "Are you going shopping on BLACK FRIDAY?" Is Black Friday two days before Christmas? Because if it is, then yes. People go nuts over Black Friday. The turkey hasn't even digested yet, and Christmas psycho-paths are in their cars, bleary-eyed, "Silver Bells" blasting on the radio. Nothing like beating back violent parents at a Wal-Mart for a plush dinosaur.
2.) Christmas Music Begins
Take the shot.
Noooooo! Let's be honest, the Christmas season starts at about midnite on Halloween. From that point on, there's Christmas displays in all the malls, peoples houses, ads on TV. But the music, that jolly Christmas music usually is pretty tough to find. Until Thanksgiving when most radio stations begin their "24 Hours Of Christmas Music!" program.
1.) Pilgrims/Lying To Schoolchildren
Atone, bitch!
This is actually kind of funny. Little kids are all like "Thanksgiving is the day the pilgrims and Indians shared their food and lived in peace forever." Then they get to high school and learn about the Trail of Tears and suddenly, the "history" of Thanksgiving has a lot less meaning. Oh well, pass the gravy.