Looking for something new and exciting?  Tired of the monotony of the daily grind?  Willing to try new things? (i.e. mass suicide/Uni-sex clothes).  Then look no further than your neighborhood friendly cult!  Come on kids, grab a big glass of cyanide-laced Kool-aid, throw on your favorite pair of Nike tennis shoes, and let's take a walk down cult-memory lane, and explore some of the WaCkIeSt CuLtS in recent history!  (Don't be afraid to pick/join your favorite!)

Order of the Solar Temple

This cult was formed in 1984 based on the teachings of the famed Knights Templar, a group of soldiers formed in 1099. You can see how it's necessary to carry on those same traditions today, what with the 12th century having so much in common with the 20th and all.  The group taught that their should be unification of all religions before Jesus' return to Earth.  Leader Joseph Di Mambro carried a sword he claimed was given to him in a past life when he was a real Knight Templar.  To be fair, I'm willing to join any cult that let's me carry a sword.  Problems arose in 1994 when member Tony Tutoit murdered his infant son by stabbing him with a wooden stake, believing the child to be the anti-Christ.  Generally, you know something's wrong when a cult you've joined agrees to repeatedly stab a 3 month old baby with a wooden stake, justifying it by claiming that the baby is the anti-Christ.  Well, that's one way to get out of doing dirty diapers!  The next day, the group committed a mass suicide using poison, smothering and bullets.  No one thought to use that sword?  Get with it people!

 

 

 Heaven's Gate

What's that?  There's a UFO following the comet Hale-Bopp that's going to take me off this dreadful planet and into eternal nirvana?!?!  Sign me up!  Heaven's Gate believed that earth was going to be "recycled" or "refurbished."  If you're asking yourself, "What the fuck does that mean?" then you and I are on the same page, because I have no idea.  According to their website, the gang is formally against suicide, but their definition of suicide is "to turn against the next level when it is being offered."  Well, hey! That works!  Sometimes I changed definitions of things to fit my life style too; I only consider masturbating a sin when I do it five times in a row.  Since I usually fall asleep by the third time, it isn't sinning!   

 

Branch Davidians

Possibly one of the most famous cults in American history due to its destruction in 1993, Branch Davidians were founded in 1955.  The believers...er...believed that the world was soon coming to an end.  Wrong!  It's 53 years later and Earth is goin' strong! (Until the robots take over).  In 1993, newspapers in Waco, Texas wrote that the groups leader, David Koresh, had sexually abused several young girls in their compound at Mt. Carmel.  After a 51 day standoff with the ATF who wished to investigate charges of illegal weapon stockpiling, fires broke out in several of the buildings.  When it was over, around 76 members (including Koresh) were dead, many killed by single gunshot wounds to the head.

(David Koresh)

People's Temple

Reverend Jim Warren Jones founded this popular cult in 1955.  It catered to the poor community, and by 1970, had become popular enough to boast more than 2,000 members.  The group set up many community aid projects determined to stamp out poverty.  By the mid-70s, Jones became increasingly paranoid, claiming that those who defected from the cult were lying to the outside world, creating a phobia of their group.  In 1974, Jones moved the group to an agrarian compound called Jonestown (where did that name come from?) founded on Socialist principles in Guyana.  In November 1978, congressman Leo Ryan and a group of journalists and camera men came to investigate.  As they boarded their plane to leave with a few defectors, a truck full of angry...Temple...ians, drove up and shot at them, killing Rep. Ryan and a few others.  The next day, the group committed mass suicide, as urged by Jones.  It is known as the largest mass suicide in history, leaving 913 (270 were children) dead.  He was found with a bullet wound to the head.  He had lots of drugs in his system.  Also, he was a jerk.  It's too bad he didn't die first, and then everyone else left and said "I've got errands to run..."

 

Fun Facts!!!!!!:

1.)  Jones claimed he was the "only true heterosexual" in the compound, but it's been rumored that he sexually assaulted a few dudes.

Scientology

Hey there science-fiction writers!  This cult's for you!  Science-fiction author L. Ron Hubbard created Scientology, which also uses Dianetics (also invented by Hubbard).  Dianetics is something that determines how Scientological a person is.  I don't really know.  Scientology beliefs:

1.)  A person is immortal and possesses a thetan, a being that lives in their mortal bodies.  It lives on after the body is dead.

2.)  Thetans have lived for many lives.

3.)  Psychiatry and psychology are destructive to a person.

4.)  During funeral ceremonies, the "minister" speaks directly to the thetan and absolves it of sin, allowing it to start a new life.

Many people oppose Scientology, claiming that it is merely a business venture that allows the highest members to profit from the naivete of the lowest members.

So there you have it everyone!  Cults!