MAY
29

The 6 Ugliest First Ladies in American History


If I was ever the most powerful person in the world, I definitely would be surrounded by numerous babes.  And I mean real lookers here, people.  It astonishes me how horrible looking some of the gals our presidents have married are.  Maybe they married these women based on "love."  Maybe it's better this way.  If you don't have some hot young wife running around the Oval Office in a cheerleader uniform you'll focus on doing your job.

6.)  Mary Todd Lincoln

Wife of: 
Abraham Lincoln, 16th President of the United States

How she landed a future president:
Mary Todd was totally into the rich dudes.  She was trying to land lawyer Stephen A. Douglas for a while, but then started to like Lincoln.  Historians believe it was due to his beardless face, and ridiculous love for “honesty.”  The two would get together, and combine their collective ugliness to form the antithesis couple of Brangelina.  Marybraham, as they liked to be called, had several children.  Only their son Todd would survive past teenage years.

What she resembles:
Marmoset

 

5.)  Martha Washington

 

Wife of:
George Washington, 1st President of the United States

How she landed a future president:
She was born on a plantation, which basically means “Where rich farmers run shit.”  In a Anna Nicole Smith-esque move, she married a 38 year old rich dude age 18.  Sure, 38 doesn’t seem as old as 88, but in the 1700s, 38 means you’re on your way out.  Which he was.  He died, and left Martha his immense wealth.  Later, she married George Washington in a relationship deemed “mutually beneficial.”  (She had money to blow, and he needed money.)

What she resembles:
Deer (male)

 

4.)  Barbara Bush

Wife of:
George H.W. Bush, 41st President of the United States

How she landed a future president:

The popular trend for these ladies is to be born rich.  Barb is no different.  Her father was rich dude Marvin Pierce.  She's also a distant relative of former president Franklin Pierce, 14th president of the United States.  Barb met George H.W. Bush when she was 16 at Phillips Academy in Andover, Massachusetts.  They were engaged just a year and a half later.

What she resembles:

Leather purse + Cotton Candy

  +    = 

 

3.)  Margaret Taylor

Wife of:
Zachary Taylor, 12th President of the United States

How she landed a future President:
Peggy was born on a rich plantation in Maryland, but little else is known about her early life.  She probably did a whole bunch of ridiculous Southern white person stuff though.  She was visiting her cousin in Kentucky, and along came Lieutenant Zachary Taylor.  Boom.  A few years later they were married.

What she resembles:
Crypt Keeper + Princess Leia

+ =

 

2.)  Hillary Clinton

 

Wife of:
Bill Clinton, 42nd President of the United States

How She Landed a Future President:
Hillary got her law degree from Yale Law School, where she met Bill Clinton. She was probably putting out and whatnot, because she certainly didn't get his attention as the hot sorority sister.

What she looks like:
Larry Bird + Ewok

 

 +  =

 

 

1.)  Eleanor Roosevelt

Wife Of:
Franklin Delano Roosevelt, 32nd President of the United States

How she landed a future president:
She is the grand-daddy (in both resemblance and the fact that she is clearly the ugliest on the list).  Ellie was born Anna Eleanor Roosevelt (yes, she was born a Roosevelt) a member of New York City’s high society known as “the Swells.”  That means she was insanely rich.  During her early life, her parents both died, leaving her miserable.  She had low self-esteem, and thought of herself as ugly.  (We never said she was dumb.)  She met FDR at a debutante ball….which is an old timey way of saying “My daughter is  rich, and old enough to do it with a rich dude.”  The two were actually sort of related because FDR was 5th cousins with Eleanor’s dad.   So not only was he banging an ugly broad, but he was banging his ugly cousin.  Good thing he pulled off that whole "defeating evil" thing in World War II.

What she resembles:
Smeagol.



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June 24. 2009 12:45

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