Week in Review: Week of 4/7-4/11

            Baby Born with two faces: Saini Sunpura, India: A small village welcomed the birth of a baby with two faces this past week. Local villagers are worshipping the baby as the reincarnation of the goddess Durga, a deity who has three eyes and many arms. The baby is already set to star as the subject of the next Indiana Jones film.

            Charlton Heston dies: Charlton Heston died this week after a long battle with Alzeimers. Gun protesters immediately begin prying guns from his cold dead fingers.
            Protests shorten Olympic torch relay: People in France who disagree with China’s policies in Tibet have tried to extinguish the Olympic flame as it traveled through Paris this week. I understand the symbolism of putting out a fire in this situation, but come on, if you want to protest something related to fire, you gotta be a fuckin man. Grab some gasoline, and just chuck it at the fire. I’m not sure what that would mean symbolically, but I think everyone would enjoy it a lot more.
            Vanilla Ice arrested again: Vanilla Ice, real name Robert Van Winkle, (which is hilarious) was arrested in Florida for domestic violence. I think at this point, we should treat Vanilla Ice the way they treat the elders in Inuit tribes in Alaska: Give him some food, maybe a little water, and put him on a raft in the ocean. He’ll float for a few days, but we all know where he’ll end up. It’s respectful, it eliminates a problem, and it works out well for everyone involved.
Bengals Release Numerous players: First up, Quincy Wilson, backup running back. He’s released following an arrest in which he and 14 other people refused to disperse after a wedding party at 3 a.m. Sorry buddy, the starting running back can break the law, but the back up can’t. 
 The Cincinnati Bengals released wide receiver Chris Henry after his fifth arrest while with the team. Really? Five arrests? Let’s run down some of his legal troubles!
--December 15, 2005: Arrested for speeding and found with marijuana in his shoes. Also, didn’t have a valid driver’s license, and no auto insurance! 
--May 4th, 2006: Investigated, but never arrested! For involvement with a possible sex crime.
--October 6, 2006: Suspended for violating the NFL’s substance abuse policy.
--January 25, 2007: Arrested and spends 90 days in jail following the arrest for providing minors with alcohol!
--April 2, 2008: Charged with misdemeanor assault and batter charges following an incident in which Henry punched a person in the face and broke the man’s car window with a beer bottle. Henry claims he thought it was someone else that owed him money! Probably a drug dealer.
Hey, Mr. Henry: You’re a professional athlete. Maybe try getting your drugs through a non-streets drug dealer. Maybe try a high-end guy that knows how to get drugs to the rich and famous. But to be fair, it doesn’t matter for you anymore. I’m sure you’ll have a sweet hook-up at the Burger King that hires you.

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August 4. 2009 09:49


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