Making fun of celebrities is too easy. Unfortunately, it’s also pretty fun. 

 

Jay Leno angers gay community; deemed “too ugly” to get away with it: This past week when Jay Leno had sexually ambidextrous Ryan Phillippe on his show, the two discussed Phillippe’s first TV role: a gay teenager on the soap opera “One Life to Live.”  Leno asked Phillippe to give the camera his “gayest look.” The gay community was outraged. One man said, “I was already really turned on by the interview. Jay got us pretty excited, and then Ryan cock-teased the shit out of us. A lot of my friends had pretty painful blue balls.” 

 

R&B Singer Sean Levert dies: The music community was saddened when they learned of the death of R&B singer Sean Levert. They were relieved when they realized they didn’t know who he was.

 

Madonna talks about sex. No one cares anymore: Amidst rumors ofdivorce, Madonna claims the sex with husband Guy Ritchie is “incredible.” Look Madonna; we stopped masturbating to you 15 years ago. It’s time for you to let go.

 

 

          

 

 

Penn State B-Baller whackin’ it in library: Police have charged Penn State point guard Stanley Pringle with public lewdness in regards to an incident in which he attempted to start conversation with a woman in the school’s library. Moments later, he was dribbling hard, all over the books. The victim was quoted as saying, “Yes, his last name is Pringle. And yes, his dong resembled the container for the delicious chip we all know and love.” 

 

Masturbating in the library? Come on man, you’re on the fucking basketball team. You just need to show up at a frat party, and you’ll have three freshmen doing it for you. Leave masturbating in the library to the losers that play World of Warcraft.

 

 

 Hawk Attacks Girl at Fenway: Hawks are bad ass animals. They’re big, have razor sharp talons, and don’t fuck around, usually. They’re also noted for their visual acuity and intelligence. So on Wednesdays Red-Sox vs. Oakland A’s game, one hawk said “Let’s do this.” He picked out a young girl, and attacked. Here’s the kicker; her name is Alexa Rodriguez. Seriously. Her name is eerily similar to that of hated Yankees 3^rd baseman Alex Rodriguez. That’s right. This hawk, a Red Sox fan, must have done his homework. 

 

Matt Leinart’s “offensive photos”: Stanley Pringle should take notes. Matt Leinart got in trouble for doing what athletes should do: use their fame to contribute to the corruption of easily influential upper teens to low 20s girls. That’s what any man would do. The only problem is, we weren’t born with chiseled abs and impressive jaw lines. So anyway, Leinart’s coach is pretty pissed. Now you’re probably asking: “But if those girls are 18 or over, who cares?” That isn’t the problem. The problem is, he just isn’t that good. The coach sees it, looks at Leinart’s stats, and decides he should probably focus on football. Too bad for him he isn’t a Manning or Brady. Then he could do ANYTHING!

 

 

 

American Heart Association changes CPR: The AHA announced that there is a new way to perform CPR: No longer do we need to use the breaths, just the chest compressions. A spokesman said “Some people were skittish about the mouth-to-mouth contact, so this is good for them.” Homophobes everywhere rejoice. One man said “This is good for me, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been like, ‘I really want to save the life of this care giving father of three, but I definitely don’t want to look gay.’” 

 

Boy’s donated organs kill: Last year, 15 year old Alex Koehne died of Lymphoma. The doctors thought it was bacterial meningitis. His parents donated his organs. Two recipients died of cancer. Moral? Screw up a diagnosis, and your new patients are going to be murdered, from beyond the grave.