Missing Priest’s Balloons found in Ocean: 

 

In a case of modern day Icharus imitation, a priest named Adelir Antonio di Carli took off from Brazil in a chair, strapped to hundreds of helium balloons, in an attempt to raise money for—please sit down—a spiritual rest stop for truckers. A spiritual rest stop for truckers? Truckers aren’t looking for the spiritual. They’re looking for BJ’s from someone in a wig. Male, female, as long as it has a mouth and is at a truck stop, they’re happy. What a waste of time and balloons.

 

 

 

Much ado about a good decision in this story. People are outraged that the US military would allow convicted felons to join their ranks.  Some enlistees are even convicted of manslaughter and sex crimes. What, exactly, is the problem here? Why put normal people in the Army? We should have psychopaths defending our freedom. Imagine an army of CBS’ Dexter running around, their insatiable need to kill fueling the destruction of our enemies. All the while, sex crime felons humiliate the wounded with bizarre acts. Who would want to fight us then? I say, keep this trend alive, and America will prosper again!

 

 

 

An 85-year-old woman got popular on Youtube after a hilarious video showed her brandishing a gun, money, and proclaiming that she wanted to “Shoot all the pigs.” Michael Alfinez, 18, is charged with abusing the elderly after the videos got popular. It’s just another classic example of white cops keeping the rappers down. Her whole life, all she wanted to be was an MC, and now they’re gonna stop her? That ain’t right. THUG LYFE. 

 

 

 

A 15 year old girl from Vietnam is in Miami for the removal of an enormous tumor on her face. While that’s only sort of funny, it’s the doctors here who are hilarious. Sometimes I think doctors are stupid. They said “The tumor has interfered with her being able to go to school.” Oh, has it? I had no idea school children would notice something like that. One time I came to school with gum on my shorts, and I was labeled “gum-ass” for the entire year. I can’t even imagine what the nickname would be for a giant facial tumor.  Another thing the doctors said; “She’s having some difficulty breathing.” Another genius diagnosis from Dr. House. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The grizzly bear, named Rocky incidentally, killed his trainer with a bite to the neck. The bear is most famous for wrestling Will Ferrell’s character in the movie “Semi-Pro.” Did you see “Semi-Pro”? Exactly. And I’m sure the bear did, too. I wanted to bite someone on the neck after it, it was that bad. And I’m not a bear, or a bear-actor like Rocky. 

Rocky’s agent commented earlier this week. “Rock was upset that his career was winding down. He got turned down for a few roles, and Ferrell wasn’t returning his calls. What would you do?”

 

 

 

 Oh wait, that's her normal face.