Everyone’s been talking about that bizarre polygamist sect in Texas. All the trouble started when a 16-year-old girl called police to say she was being sexually abused by her 50-year-old husband. That’s pretty nasty. But to be fair, the community’s founder Warren Jeffs is pretty much a genius: marry as many chicks as you want?! That’s what I’m talkin’ about. But the problem is, these bitches are nasty! Have you seen them? Yikes. Their hair is crazy and they completely cover themselves up in like 1870s garb. If I ran a polygamist sect, it would be called the “Playmate Nursing home” and would be a place to live for retired Playboy models age 33-37, you know, the ones who are too old for Playboy, but aren’t wrinkly yet.

            Another problem with the sect? Horrible amounts of incest. That’s right, Jeffs is in jail for rape and incest. And the 50-year-old husband the girl called police on? That’s registered sex offender Dale Evans Barlow. I saw the women from this place on TV and they were crying for their children. They want them back. Hey lady! Maybe your judgment is flawed seeing as how you willingly joined a polygamist sect with registered rapists and incest enjoy-ers. Here’s to Waco II! 

 

In Madrid, Spain, some moms decided their kids needed a new recreation center. If you’re like me, you’re totally down with Spanish chicks. But DYK (did you know) that not all Spanish women are hot like Penelope Cruz? Chew on that. Chew. I was pretty floored when I saw the calendar. It wasn’t nearly as hot as I predicted. The problem is (not surprisingly), the calendar isn’t selling! Now they have thousands of dollars worth of bills to pay to a printing company, and no money. But the real problem will come 10 years from now, when their kids need intense therapy because their moms posed almost nude in a calendar. Maybe stick to brownies and rice krispy squares, ladies.

 

 

           

Oh yes, you read correctly. Some old broads went around murdering old guys for their insurance money. Olga Rutterschmidt, 75, and Helen Golay, 77, were convicted of insurance fraud and murder. How’d they do it? By staging hit-and-run accidents of course! They led their victims to a dark alley where they were subsequently run over by a car. That’s pretty messed up. My 77 year old grandmother can’t even drive a car, much less create a convoluted plot to murder elderly men in dark alleys by staging hit and run car accidents for insurance money. 

 

 

In Maryland, a mom gave birth to quadruplets, three of which are identical, meaning the fourth baby is odd-baby-out. (By the way, his parents named him Logan, which is bad ass.) There are two hilarious and different possible scenarios here: one is that the three identical babies are really good looking and cool, and the fourth one is just average, leading him to a lifetime of insecurity and World of Warcraft. The other scenario is that the non-identical one is really cool and good looking, leading to a lifetime of banging girls in his bunk bed while his three brothers listen while crying and masturbating, form a punk-rock band named “4 minus 1,” and go on to fame and fortune. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Al Quaida No. 2 man Ayman al-Zawahri released a tape this week in which he claimed that President Bush is trying to cover up his failure in Iraq, and the next American president is simply inheriting his mess. Does he not get the internet in his cave? This statement would have been ground breaking fiveyears ago.