There’s a Reason Why Thanksgiving Eve is the Biggest Drinking Night of the Year
The Holidays are a wonderful time. As Thanksgiving approaches, you think about the stuffing, the corn, twice baked potatoes, and of course, the turkey. But then, the Wednesday before the big day hits. About five o’clock, as you’re driving home from work. And you realize something; Thanksgiving is not nearly as good as you thought it was. Here’s what you remember, and this is why you spend the next seven hours drinking.
1.) You’re already fat. Certainly scarfing down cubes of cheddar cheese and chugging egg nog with your diabetic Aunt can’t help. Haven’t been laid in a while? The holidays will make sure you don’t get any til February.
2.) Your successful cousin. Sure, the two of you had outstanding grades until the 12th grade; when you discovered marijuana, and he went Ivy League. What’s that? Someone asked him how much he makes? He’s happy to tell them. After a few quick calculations, you realized that the difference in your pay is actually incalculable, because he gets paid based on his amount of patients, and plastic surgery keeps getting more popular in Miami. You don’t even get commission. Also, you forgot to take your Best Buy shirt off.
3.) The Incontinent Grandma. Dinner’s going fine until she accidentally breaks her colostomy bag. You’re pretty sure Thanksgiving dinner shouldn’t smell like a port-o-potty at a Columbian construction site, but you’re focused on keeping that mouthful of warm gravy and mashed potatoes down. Oops, too late. Good try though.
4.) That Uncle. He’s he Uncle you don’t see until major holidays or family events roll around. You’ve been uncomfortable around him ever since that family camping trip and his tent “collapsed”, meaning he had to bunk up with you. You’ve been afraid of tents ever since, but haven’t been able to tell a soul about it because you promised to keep it “our little secret.” He slips you a little tongue when he kisses you hello.
5.) The Vegan. It’s bad enough your cousin is into hemp and patchouli oil, but did they really have to bring their vegan “partner?” With each bite of turkey, his/her disdain for you grows until it finally culminates into an enraged tirade about how eating animals is evil, and you’re all going to hell. Your dad tells him/her to finish their tofurkey and kindly leave. Still drunk, you heave a regular turkey leg at them.
6.) Your Life. The Holidays are just an unnecessary reminder of your constant failure and past regret. Try not to think too much about them. And drink up!